An Open Letter to my Congressmen and Senators
By James Turnage
I have completed a review of your performance, and I have made several decisions.
The United States of America is a republic. When you were elected, you became my representative in the legislature. You are my employee. You have failed to vote according to the wishes of the majority of your constituents. You have taken paid vacations without authorization from your employer, and have frequently exceeded your expense account. In essence, you have embezzled monies from the company.
Therefore, should we decide to continue your employment, the following changes will be enforced.
Your future employment will be based on semi-annual performance reviews. If the majority of this company finds your actions satisfactory, you will be retained. If not, you must have your desk cleared out within 24 hours.
You will no longer receive pay increases without a vote of the majority. This company cannot afford excessive expenditures at this time.
You must submit a formal request to the company for all time off. Vacations and holidays will be at the discretion of management.
We have decided to change your benefit package and retirement. We do not know when this became ‘out of hand’, but somewhere, sometime, your benefits surpassed your employer. From this day forward you will have medical benefits equal to those by whom you are employed. When you retire you will receive social security and Medicare. All previous entitlements you were to receive, and were voted for by you, are hereby canceled.
If you wish to stay in our employ for an additional term, a formal written request must be made. In that request you will describe what efforts you have made that make you worthy of representing us for additional time. You must also state what you plan to accomplish if your services are retained.
Actions speak louder than words, and we are tired of hearing nothing but words with no action behind them every election year.
If we allow you to run for re-election, you will be required to submit proof of every statement you make in speeches, whether they be in person, or on radio or television. If a falsehood is confirmed, you will be forced to withdraw from the election.
If you do not agree to comply with these terms, you are released without any compensation. You will, however, be allowed to seek a real job like the rest of us.