Van Halen needs a new singer

Written By: Kevin Lang

It looks like Van Halen has broken up again. Now, they won’t cop to it, but when you cancel 2 world tours that have already gone on sale… you are pretty much broken up. We can also assume Roth is the problem. Well, we can assume that Eddie will tell us Roth was the problem. It’s pretty cyclical.

In 1985, Roth was gone, Eddie told us Roth was the problem. Seemed believable.

In 1996, Hagar was gone, Eddie told us Hagar was the problem.

In 1999, Gary Cherone was gone, Eddie told us Cherone was the problem.

In 2005, Hagar was back and now gone again. You know the answer.

In 2008, Roth was back and then gone again. You know the answer.

2012 – Here we go again.

So, we can assume Eddie will tell us the singer was the problem. Then, we can assume he’ll take another ten years off. Then, he needs a singer. So, who do we get for him? We need someone pretty talented, pretty douchey, and pretty well known.

So, who can we get to sing for Van Halen?

Scott Stapp – He has a very good voice, and seems to be a narcissistic asshole. Ok, he stays in the mix.

Kid Rock – has a good voice, a great image, and is super self important. Is everyone ok with every song re-written about Detroit. Kid Rock stays in the mix.

Axl Rose – meets the asshole qualification, and is more than willing to quit a tour mid tour. Hell, mid show. Problem is, Axl is (or certainly was) an incredible singer. Frankly, too good. Man, though, think of the insane drama those two would create.

Dave Grohl – good singer. Too nice and level headed, though. Simply would walk away.

Kurt Cobain – very good singer, could reach amazing heights of awesomeness with a great guitarist. Downside- he is dead.

Billy Corgan – good singer, plenty difficult, knows great guitar work. Ok, he stays in the mix.

Micheal McDonald – Had to throw this out, because he is calling me twice a week asking if we have a gig for him. Just that you had to wiki him proves my point on that one.

Billy Joel – think of the amazing setlist between these two bands. Getting closer.

Steven Tyler – ok, we are getting closer.

The winner, then, is Kid Rock.