The Return of the King: Why Will, Kate Middleton, and Harry Should REALLY Rule Brittania
Some unasked for, certainly uninformed, and likely unwelcome, advice from a Yank.
England needs a new idea. When is the last time you heard of something good coming out of Parliament? When someone says “Parliament,” who even thinks about…the Parliament, rather than P/Funk? No wonder British youth riot so much. Their primary legislative body doesn’t track as well as an American funk band. When this can happen, your country has truly lost its mojo.
You sent Bond.
That’s always a good measure. But, millions of pounds later, the problem still remains that he’s a fictional character. He can’t really shoot anybody, which, with so many who need shot is a hard truth to bear, but bear it we must.
The British “Nuclear Option” is to scrap whatever stuffy document it was that moved England from really having Kings and Queens to our present age of dull people in dull suits walking around harumphing self-importantly. On a good day, they shout at each other.
Off with their heads! Restore authority to Queen Elizabeth right now, then let it pass down to Charles, and then – the ultimate point of all this – to William and Kate Middleton. As a matter of fact, what the world would really like is a way to collapse that process somehow, so that Will & Kate – and, somehow, Harry – can not just reign but rule. Can this be arranged? Perhaps someone can explain to the Queen that Kate Middleton gets more views. Having begun the practice of knighting pop stars, the Queen should understand the principle at stake here.
What are the advantages? Let me count the ways:
1) THEY’RE ALL SO PRETTY
2) THE WILLIAM & HARRY RELATIONSHIP COULD BECOME A POWER STRUGGLE
The boys get along wonderfully now – with nothing at stake. Now introduce – Absolute Power! There can only be one King. Film at eleven.
The family structure of royalty, their internicine conflicts, all the plotting, all the gnashing of teeth…this has been the best copy in the world since before Agamemnon took his bath. Why expect it to stop now? It’s not as though the Royals have been exactly lacking in this direction, even without Absolute Power.
We just think Absolute Power would make it all that much more entertaining.
3) SECRET POLICE
Here, as in so many areas, the Royals might take a lesson from an earlier Harry, and from the first Elizabeth. Elizabeth might not have sent Bond, but she sure sent somebody. It was common practice for monarchs to flood their societies with secret police. You had to be real careful what you said about the King in the local pub.
4) THE TOWER
The Tower used to really mean something. Let’s give it that special something back.
Once upon a time, people’s relationship with the Tower was deeply personal. It represented a possible personal fate. Especially if you were prone to talking crap about the King.
Because the nail-scratches in the walls that people see for the next five hundred years? Those could be your nail-scratches.
Start with the paparazzi, then the terrorist agitators, then the rioters, then Damien Hirst. We’ll have England tidied up in no time.
5) SUPPRESSING THE IRISH
Well, why not suppress the Irish?
6) SUPPRESSING THE SCOTS
I could have reversed the order. The point is, you’re suppressing something other than just your emotions.
Have Q work up something nasty for when they bare their bums.
7) INVADING FRANCE
Britain and France have cooperated on everything from the Concorde to the Chunnel. They’ve fought beside each other, more or less, through two World Wars. Together, they were instrumental in building the new Europe.
The element of surprise is completely with you now.
Just look at that coastline. See any guards over there?
8) “BUT I WAS BORN A BASTARD!”
We don’t know what the Royals really do in their private time. But we’re willing to bet that, somewhere around London, there’s a bastard. He’s bitterly resentful about being shunned, especially since Absolute Power is now at stake. Maybe he’s even a hunchback, or otherwise ill-formed. But it would work if he were really good looking -even cuter than Will & Kate!
It’s time for him to step up.
The only thing we want is a promise. Some time before the axe falls, but preferably in the moment of his defeat and capture, he has to cry out “But I was born a bastard!”
9) HARRY HAS AN ARMY
Well, he could, couldn’t he? Who, in a crunch, would the British military really fight for? David Cameron? Or their good buddy, the Prince, who kept them all so well plied with drink and dancing girls?