Respect Russia Olympics Gay Law

 

Respect Russia Olympics Gay Law

Gay Olympians traveling to Russia for the 2014 Sochi Olympics could face arrest and possible deportation under a new law signed by Russian President Vladimir Putin. The law states that Gay propaganda is dangerous to children, and the head of the United States Olympic Committee has come out in support of the law, saying athletes should comply. It’s true, athletes should show respect for the Russia Olympics gay law.

First of all, everyone knows that gay men are called “flaming” by some. This has traditionally referred to their body temperatures, which tend to run much higher than normal peoples’ body temperatures. According to the National Association for Gay Propaganda (hereafter referred to as the NAGP,) this greatly increased temperature presents a drastic threat to the Olympic ice skating rinks.

“Take Johnny Weir, for instance,” said NAGP president Jonathan Holmes. “He’s definitely hot.” It’s obvious that Holmes was referring to the fact that Weir could potentially melt the ice while he is skating! What would happen to all of the other ice skaters if this were to occur? It would be completely disastrous. It is not fair to all of the straight Olympic ice skaters to be forced to have anxiety about the ice rinks turning into giant swimming pools! Then, the swimming team will have to compete instead. This would, in turn, double or even triple their workload. Totally uncool (no pun intended LOL!)

Besides the problem of these hot gay men melting the ice, there is the issue of how, whenever gay propaganda touches someone, that person turns gay. Everyone knows that. And, gay propaganda can exist in the form of not only pamphlets, brochures and fliers, but also just from gay people walking around. Russia can’t have every single person in Russia turn gay just because of the selfishness of gay athletes. After all, who would be left to make the vodka? If everyone in Russia turns gay, all anyone would ever see men doing in Russia is having big gay dance parties, competing in interior design competitions and marching around in leather parades. All the women would be seen doing is “processing” and wearing Birkenstocks, and that’s just not right.

Then, there is the problem of everyone’s straight marriages being instantly dissolved by the presence of Johnny Weir and his husband, plus all the other gay married athletes and their spouses. Because even if the straight people who live far away don’t see or touch any gay propaganda and turn gay themselves, just the mere presence of gay married people is actually strong enough to literally dissolve those straights’ marriages. Just imagine the legal nightmare that will happen when suddenly, millions of people have to reapply for marriage licenses! And, even after the gays leave and go back to their home countries, the gay is going to linger, which increases the chance that people who didn’t turn gay during the Olympics will come into contact with the gay. And instantly turn gay.

So, yeah, it’s pretty important for everyone to respect the Russia Olympics gay law. That has been proven with factual facts that have been verified and that make complete logical sense, just like the law itself.

By: Rebecca Savastio

(Satire)

One Response to "Respect Russia Olympics Gay Law"

  1. Finn   December 20, 2013 at 9:23 pm

    Gay athletes are allowed to attend, in fact, two of the athletes hosting the opening and closing ceremony are gay. The west is blowing the law out of proportion and making a lot of things up.

    Reply

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