Many people feel weak; that they can’t stand up to people. Some might be timid; afraid to go after what they want. Others may feel like life and everyone in theirs craps on them and they just have to sit back, suck it up, and take it like a chump. One person was the very essence of what I have just described. Walter White, a character on the ever-popular AMC show, Breaking Bad, was a mild-mannered high school chemistry teacher who felt unappreciated and stepped on by his boss, earning just enough to pay the bills and provide for his family. But something happened to Walter White that changed his life forever. He got lung cancer. Some might see this as a time to make arrangements for your loved ones in the case of your eminent demise, but not Walter White. He started cooking and selling crystal methamphetamine, a life-changing move that led to a series of events, transforming him into someone he could have only imagined himself to be in his wildest dreams and in doing so, became the ultimate badass. Walter White has decided to share some of his tips on how to be a badass. If you follow these steps, like Scarface once infamously said you will soon “get the money, get the power,” and ultimately get the respect you deserve and have always wanted.
1. Shave your head. You will really have no idea how much this impresses people. If they see a guy with a full head of hair, they think they can push him around. Not so if you shave your head.
2. Never smile and if tempted to do so, half grimace/ half frown like you are in mild pain.
3. Grow a goatee. Evil supervillains, “Satan,” and badasses all have this type of facial hair. It forms a perfect circle around and showcases your mouth, which as stated above should be grimacing, even a calculating half-frown.
4. Start cooking crystal meth. You’ll gain a fan base. Everybody is afraid of a drug dealer and usually those who sell drugs are to be feared because it’s illegal. Those with whom you do business will respect you.
5. If you have had a long, hard day at the office and you get home and your wife wonders where you’ve been, have sex with her with no questions asked. She will think you are a man who “takes charge, knows what he wants, and just takes it.”
6. Get a second cell phone. This may not be perceived as a badass thing necessarily, but it is required to hold together your family to prevent your wife from finding out that you cook and sell crystal meth.
7. Buy a gun and practice drawing it so if someone sneaks up on you (and if you have been following the aforementioned steps, they just might try to), you will have the jump on them and if they decide to mess with you, they will be dead as a doornail.
8. If and when your family throws a party in your honor, force your teenage son to drink so much hard liquor that he vomits in the pool, and when your law-abiding DEA agent brother (who, unbeknownst to him is on a manhunt for you as your local police precinct’s most wanted man for cooking and distributing crystal methamphetamine) tries to prevent you from doing so, stand your ground and try to pick a fight with him in front of everyone gathered.
9. Buy a cool car for your son. This isn’t really a tip for being a badass. It is more or less just a tip for being a good father, giving your son something he wants, and a way to make peace for all that you will have put your family through by this point if you have followed all of these steps.