A man in China was outraged when his wife produced a hideously ugly baby, so he sued her in court for fraud, and won. Jian Feng was so confident of his good looks that when he saw his firstborn, he thought his wife had been having an affair with someone ugly and got impregnated. His stunning wife could not possibly have given birth to such unattractive children made from his own DNA, Feng asserted. “Our daughter was incredibly ugly to the point where it horrified me,” Feng explained.
As it turns out, Feng was right, but not about the affair. There was something fishy going on, and that something was $100,000 worth of cosmetic surgery his wife had had prior to meeting Feng. The wife was not easy on the eyes prior to the procedures that transformed her into a stunner, and the baby reflected her prior appearance. A judge in the case ruled in Favor of Feng, awarding him $120,000 for the deceit.
The Chinese judge made the right decision. After all, we’ve all been terrorized and tortured by ugly babies before. Actually, come to think of it, all babies are generally ugly, and they’re everywhere: the supermarket, the playground, the schoolyard and maybe even in our own homes. Whenever an ugly baby is carted down the street, it ruins my entire day. I sometimes feel as though I want to run home and wash my burning eyes with some soothing cool water just so I can associate my vision with something pleasant rather than the horrible memory of the hideous baby I just saw hanging out in a stroller, acting as if its extreme ugliness was par for the course; just being all casual like “yeah, I know I’m ugly. So what?”
Not only are all babies ugly, they are also extremely annoying. In restaurants, there have been times when I have literally run to the bathroom to throw up after seeing an ugly baby. Now, I see I can sue the parents for the cost of my meal. I can also sue for pain and suffering. I’ll make more money than the lady who spilled McDonald’s coffee in her lap, because there are plenty of ugly babies around, that’s for sure.
Better yet, rather than having to go through the hassle of a lawsuit every time I see an ugly baby, it should become a policy that ugly people can’t have children in the first place. Why should anyone be subjected to these horrible babies? These babies are a**h***s, and it’s time we took a stand against them. And since all people are generally ugly, it would greatly help the overpopulation problem, too.
Really, the only people who should not sued for being ugly themselves and/or producing ugly babies are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. But then again, come to think of it, Angelina has spindly legs like a spider, and Brad Pitt has grown an ugly mountain-man beard. Forget it; they are also eligible for the Ugly Baby Act. No one is immune.
Ugly babies never grow up to contribute anything to society and are nearly incapable of loving their parents or anyone else. They bring no joy into anyone’s life and never say anything cute or funny. When they become toddlers, they just drag their ugly faces around, climbing all over the furniture and scaring the pets. Once, I saw an ugly baby throw Cheerios on the floor in an attempt to assert its presence in the world as if it deserved to be among the rest of us. Everyone is always acting like ugly babies are normal occurrences in the human race, and that has to stop. This case in China is a good first step.
Admit it; you’ve thought to yourself “damn that baby is ugly! I wish I could unsee that.” The fact is, you can’t. The image of that ugly baby is going to be burned into your brain forever, reminding you that evolution is vastly imperfect. It’s downright depressing.
Kudos to Mr. Feng for suing his wife for fraud because she produced such an ugly baby. American should begin to follow suit immediately. Think about how much better your day would be if you could step out of the house 100% confident you didn’t have to lose your lunch because of the double-bagger on the playground or the woofer at your child’s school. Once people start suing to remove ugly babies from the streets, the world will be a much more beautiful place.
A Satirical Editorial By: Rebecca Savastio