The Chinese government announced today that it will relax family planning restrictions, allowing millions of families to have as many children as humanly possible in the country’s fifteenth major step for economic growth in more than a century.
“We’re westernizin’ and getting’ it together, man. We’re like goin’ broke with everybody getting’ all old and wrinkley,” said Fang Weng, a Chicago Art Institute graduate majoring in abstracted abstraction abstractives.
“We gotta blow the doors off the old “one-kid” thing. This is like huge, bro. We kick our genitalia into full-throttled “in-and-out” and we’re gonna score mega in the international market. Dude, we’re solid,” said Weng.
Parents are encouraged to copulate copiously and produce as many offspring as possible.
Couples refusing to change their sexual patterns will be made to pick flea dung from brown rice until they “come around” per the ruling Communist Party’s edicts.
The government came up with the new plan twenty years ago, but officials miscalculated the growth of Sicily and Argentina and the impact on the Yuan. A direct correlation between the aging population and the collapse of the Greek economy led directly to the irrefutable truth that the Chinese economy was next in line.
Scholars have been pushing the government to have sex with itself while encouraging couples to copulate more, a concept introduced in the late ’90s to spur economic growth and allow auditors to collect a tax on all the nation’s children (under the age of sixty-five).
“Once the gubmint permitted farmers with one cow to have two more, things came together like weed and munchies,” Weng said. “Ever since then, it’s been real obvious we’ve acquired a real need for more cowbell,” he said.
Zueyuan Xiando helped develop the original one-child policy as a 0.25-child policy, and said the new rule is only meant to last about 14 weeks, and questions its effectiveness.
China has a traditional bias for cantaloupe and lemons. Many families eat lemon-drenched cantaloupe.
Under the new policy, approximately 231 girls will be born for every 6 boys. “Should work. Yep, it’ll work,” remarked Xiando.
Xiando and his wife plan to have as many children as “she can crank out” and he can “last.” Mrs. Xiando could not be reached for comment, but was seen late this afternoon at a bus station in eastern Hong Kong.
By Dennis Fleming