Chris Christie Claims Weight Problem Caused by Global Warming

Chris Christie weight problem
As Americans begin to speculate about who will announce their candidacies for President, one of those most talked about, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, recently spoke candidly about his weight problem and revealed that he believes it was caused by global warming.

In an interview Tuesday with Vanity Fair magazine, the husky Governor discussed his numerous attempts to shed the pounds and stated his reasons for believing that man’s catastrophic carbon footprint had made it impossible for him to slim down. He had studied some new research by climate scientists in Albania that suggests dramatic increases in the planet’s temperature slows the human metabolism to a degree that makes it almost impossible to lose weight.

At one point in the interview, Chris Christie, the rotund New Jersey Governor said “Sure, I would love to lose seven or eight pounds but it’s just not that easy. That’s why we have do something about global warming.”

Chris Christie sings
Governor Chris Christie performs the Al Jolson classic “My Mammy” at a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous

The portly Governor went on to point out that global warming activists were, themselves, more susceptible to the damaging effects of climate change. “Look at Michael Moore,” said Christie, “he seems to be getting bigger every day.” The extremely large Governor went on to mention that former US Vice President Al Gore, too, had put on almost 400 pounds since he began his noble crusade against humanity. Christie stated that the link between man-made global warming and obesity is beyond question.

“This new research from Albania is compelling.” The vast Governor said. “I’ve been looking at it for the past few days and I have to say; once I get it translated, It’s going to be even more convincing.”

So, what does Chris Christie say about a possible 2016 run? “I’m absolutely not running.” The stupendous Governor asserted, “If I announce my candidacy, I’ll be driven everywhere.” Questioned as to whether he thought his weight problem would cause him difficulty on the campaign trail, the gargantuan Governor said “it would be a problem, yes, but I’m going to deal with the weight first, if I’m going to be campaigning.” He explained that his plan involved moving to New York. “It makes sense,” Christie said, “they’ve banned everything that makes you fat.”

Chris Christie, known for not believing in half measures, knows that New York’s numerous food bans may not be enough, however. “It’s a good thing Bill de Blasio is going to be Mayor,” he said, “A year or so from now, there’s probably not going to be any food in New York…problem solved.”

On his prospects for becoming America’s first obese President, Christie is upbeat: “I think I’d have a great chance,” he said, “my message appeals to the far left, the left, the center left and the left-leaning independents. The media loves to quote me when I’m being blunt, but I’m actually a likable guy. People are drawn to me….literally; I’ve developed a field of gravity.” At this point in the interview, the galactic governor spread his hands, scattering several paper clips and a pencil that had been orbiting him for some time. “See what I mean?”

Chris Christie uses the power of the mind to cause Janet Napolitano to suffer a heart attack mid-speech
Chris Christie uses the power of the mind to cause Janet Napolitano to suffer a heart attack mid-speech

On the subject of global warming, Christie is passionate. “The global warming deniers are ignoring the facts,” he says, “They always like to point out the times that it was revealed research data has been fabricated or that Al Gore’s movie was proven to be full of inaccuracies or that thermometers are deliberately located to record higher temperatures…but they’re ignoring the facts…our facts.” He went on to link his – and America’s – weight problem to healthcare. “If we end global warming, we can solve the obesity problem and that’s going to put less burden on our healthcare.” He said. “We all need to stay healthy. Obamacare will work perfectly if nobody uses it, so that’s what we need to aim for.”

Addressing the prospect of running against Hillary Clinton, Chris Christie appears confident. “I’m sure we’ll find stuff to disagree on,” He said. The all-encompassing governor refused to talk about the possibility of using the numerous government scandals against her in a possible campaign. “I would run a clean campaign.” He said. “I don’t think it’s fair to talk about her leaving Americans to die in Benghazi. That’s just in bad taste, even though it happened. We Republicans have a reputation for ignoring the really bad stuff about Democratic candidates. I intend to honor that.”

“Anyway,” he added, “Americans are more concerned about global warming…and gun control.” Christie thinks the Oval Office will fit him like a glove. He may be right.

 

Humor by Graham J Noble

 

 

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