Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Accused of Eating Cats, Stealing Cheese

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Accused of Eating Cats, Stealing Cheese

In a drunken stupor, Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford surprised shocked a live news conference today with comments about his bizarre diet of feline meat.

Ford’s denied allegations by a former staffer that he offered her a wine and dine of expensive Cabernet and spacatti.

Dressed in a clown suit with a sign the read “Meow Meats” hanging from his neck, he told reporters he “gets off” eating feline meat and has seriously been craving “mousecatash” for a couple of weeks.

The Mayor refused to apologize for his taste in animal flesh and said he will continue to eat cat burgers and flat meats made from the animal. “I’m not giving up my cat burgers, catlami, catlogna, or spagcatti for anyone, no matter how much pressure I’m under for my scandalous crack use and drunken stupors.”

“They say I want to eat mouse,” he said on live TV. “I’ve eaten feline long enough, I guess it’s a natural progression, and something I can work into my rodent problem at home.”

One reporter vomited and another grew faint at the Mayor’s comments this afternoon at a popular Toronto pet store.

The Mayor left the press conference and returned a short time later with carrying a five-pound brick of cheddar.

“I want to apologize if my dietary remarks made anyone sick. Yesterday I talked about my diet trying to forget it was the fifty-third worst week of my life, almost as bad as the fifty-second, the week I lost a box of condoms and a bottle of rye whiskey in a skiing accident while pursuing an eighteen-year-old blond down a black diamond slope at Blue Mountain. For the past six months, I have been craving rodent meat, especially the tail,” he said.

“How many times do I have to apologize? I’ve already admitted to using crack cocaine, heroin, ruffies, ecstasy, and even airplane glue while running nude after prostitutes. Get over it. You’re pushing me over the line. The whole cat diet should be enough to refocus your reasons for hating me 100 percent,” he said.

“When you attack my diet, I see auras around people and act like a toad without a tongue. This is what happens,” Ford said. He said the accusations against him pushed him into stealing cheese from a local supermarket.

He then added, “I’m seeing a therapist over the cheese-stealing incident and I’m taking Oxycotin and nicotine tablets by the handful at the advice of my drug dealer. What the shucky darn do you want me to do, eh? I’m tapped out of ideas.”

Following the Toronto city council’s vote to present Ford with an award for incomprehensible erratic behavior, Ford cried, excused himself, and used the restroom.

Upon his return to the meeting, Ford told the council, “I’ve come to the conclusion that I will thwart my drug use by performing as a “sad clown” at birthday parties throughout the city for the next six months.

A video of the Mayor sniffing cocaine off a prostitute’s derrière set off a controversy over the social benefits of extreme hair removal as well as Ford’s competency as Mayor. To his discredit, Ford has refused to curb his behavior and expects to lead the 109th annual Santa Claus parade in his clown suit while pretending to copulate with a prostitute he has previously referred to as “Hiney”.

Thursday morning, Members of the Toronto city council called dibs on birthday clown requests.

By Dennis Fleming

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