Man Loves iPhone Siri so Much, He Finds and Marries Human Voice Assistant

A geek-inspired romance

technology, satire, siri, marriage

Satire – Sam Smith is the average college student; he loves to party, drive fast, drink a lot and adores his iPhone, especially voice assistant Siri. Sam states it was a year ago he realized his obsession, “I asked her for everything. When she needed me to repeat – I broke down. Tears streaming, hiding in my room for days. I thought she was shunning me.” In finding a void with Siri, Sam took to the Internet to seek what he thought would cure his woes; a human counterpart to become his real-life, human voice assistance. Enter Jane Smith who is currently looking to legally change her first name to Siri, naturally. Sam states what many called an obsession was just his path to fate.

“I was sitting down to dinner, when I realized how lonely I was. Like always I reached for my iPhone and asked Siri would she just stop playing with my emotions and just make sweet love to me?” When the phone’s battery suddenly died, Sam stated he was thrust into a chaos of depression and overwhelming anger. He immediately went to his local Best Buy and purchased the Galaxy S4 in angry retaliation. A purchase he would later regret as he states his iPhone never responded the same again. Even after he tossed the competitor in the trash.

That’s when Sam came up with a new notion, he would find his perfect Siri, in human form. Taking to Craigslist, Sam issued the ad and shared that information openly and proudly:

Single male seeking perfect girl. If you love iPhone, so do I. If you love Siri, so do I. I need a real life Siri to answer me everytime I ask a question. I want you to laugh too, but when I don’t want to talk anymore, you have to shut-up and go on my dresser or somewhere to be quiet until I need you again. That’s sort of mandatory.

Constant Siri rejection drove Sam to find something more
Constant Siri rejections drove Sam to find something more

It took seven months and several refreshes of the ad, but finally an email response came through. Her name was Jane Smith and she lived within the city and although she never owned an iPhone, she had a dream of being just there for a good man. Exhilarated, Sam states, that is the feeling that coursed through him as he and Jane decided to meet over coffee. To rehearse for the part, Sam instructed Jane to wear the apparel seen on Apple employees. Eager to comply, Jane met Sam wearing khaki colored pants and a royal blue shirt.

When Jane went to speak, Sam states, he had to indicate her to shush. He withdrew his iPhone from his pocket and set it on the table, turning it on. He then took Jane’s hand, while holding the iPhone in the other, compelling what he called, “an inter-connectivity of workings to draw forth the power of connection.” He states he felt the connection and knew Jane was the one.

“Siri, what kind of coffee will I like?” he states the question was asked directly to Jane. Her face, he stated, remained perfectly dead-panned as she replied, “The mocha latte seems like an exceptional choice, Sam. Would you like the calories listed?” Three months later, the happy couple were married.

Jane shared she is looking to change her name to Siri, legally, as every now and then, she will notice Sam slip into the bathroom with his new iPhone 5S. “I want to be there for him. I am Siri,” she states unblinkingly.

One man’s love for his iPhone and Siri AI lead him to marry his real life human voice assistant. Only time will tell if this couple will remove the iPhone from their life to immerse in non-technological connections.

 

Angelina Bouc
Satire