Queen Elizabeth: Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My Nuts

Queen Elizabeth: Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My Nuts

Queen Elizabeth went squirrel on her Royal Protection Officers when she found her nuts in their mouths. Nuts about her nuts, the folk at Buckingham Palace leave those crunches around just for the Queen’s mouth. The bowls are always filled to the top with the assorted traps for her savory tooth, but when she went to have some, the darn nutty officers had eaten practically all of them.

The Queen was so furious after the officers ate her snacks that she went nuts and began marking the bowls to gauge the levels that were dropping. She may be in her 80’s but the Queen is no dummy. She knows when her favorite treats go eaten by others, and this infuriating matter has turned Queen Elizabeth into a detective. She will catch the thieves of her mixed nuts and there will be royal hell to pay!

To fix this robbery of her tasty meals, the Queen went and loaded her weapon with pellets of popcorn, another favorite meal of hers, figuring, they want to eat my nuts; I’ll shoot them with all the morsels they’ll ever have!  Further, she went and filed a report with the high court, and reported that grubby fingers of the hired help were consuming the Bombay mix of nuts left out for her around the Palace.

Queen Elizabeth: Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My NutsThe Queen’s son Charles and his wife, Camilla both were put on alert with a note from Queen Elizabeth. “Nobody better lay a finger on my nuts! The mixture of cashews, peanuts and walnuts, are all mine, and my vast wealth is not cut out to go treating the hired help to my goodies. They ate all of your nuts in March 2005, right before your wedding, and now they are eating mine, daily,” complained the Queen.  “I will find who the thieves of my nuts are,” she said in the note, “and will charge them with treason of the highest kind!”

Word has it that the high court read the case. The judge, whom no one knows laughed his head off in his chambers, eventually immediately sent out a blast email to all of the royal protection officers. He alerted them that the Queen is on to them and that they best simmer down on the eating of her nuts or keep their sticky fingers out of her countless bowls.

The Queen is so mad that her royal edibles have been mishandled, she expects this trial will last well into 2014. “I am irked about how many of my nuts they were eating,” the Queen told reporters. No one eats my peanuts and gets away with it, the Queen has avowed.

The Queen has said, “It is a terrible injustice to walk around Buckingham Palace each day and find that everyone but I has dipped into my hundreds of bowls of nuts!”  She then argued, “Does anyone realize how much the lots of nuts cost me? They are not cheap; I pay a whole £ 2.90373 for them and that’s because I don’t get them from America, where they cost $3.00!”

Seems the Queen’s upcoming success in catching out officers who are stealing her nuts isn’t the only story going about the palace lately. Certain sections of the palace are going swept for bugs, as well. One of the hired help went removed from the palace on the grounds of ill health. Sources are saying this employee won’t admit it but he was one of the sneaks who been secretly stealing Queen Elizabeth’s nuts and scoffing them down in hiding places no one has dusted in years.

Charles and Camilla are, beside themselves, as the same thing had occurred the morning of their wedding and the Queen could not even crack a smile for the pictures that day, she was so ticked by the ongoing event. They have hurried to warn everyone at the palace of the note and details they received from Queen Elizabeth, bearing the heading: “Nobody better lay a finger on my nuts!”

A Satire, By Christina Ibbotson

NBC World News

12 Responses to "Queen Elizabeth: Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My Nuts"

  1. Please do nut!   November 20, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    Do nut eat the queen’s nuts or she will went nuts for her nuts and then she will crack your nut so you better nut eat her nuts.do you understand me?or nut?

  2. Coolkid125   April 5, 2015 at 12:01 am

    That is hilarious

  3. Thomas DePeuque   December 23, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Off with their nuts!

  4. Keisha   December 19, 2013 at 1:03 am

    I believe the staff should leave her personal items alone, and get their own snacks. If you hire someone to protect you then you should NOT have to worry about the hired protectors to steal from you. People go to restaurants don’t expect a waitor or cook to take a fry off your plate. That is what happened…they took something not theirs, and the Queen is right to be concerned.

  5. sjenkie10   December 18, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    I wouldn’t like anyone putting their fingers in my food either.. Who knows where their hands were before they dipped them into the bowls? I’m pretty sure the staff gets fed and has their own food in the palace, so she’s probably angry they still are stealing hers. They are being paid also to be loyal, seems a bit betraying when someone takes food without permission? Where’s the loyalty in that? also aren’t the police suppose to protect her and isn’t it a bit off for a police officer to be “stealing” anything?

  6. Christina Ibbotson   December 17, 2013 at 6:36 pm


    This is a “SATIRE.” It’s supposed to be an absolutely ridiculous piece of very funny puns.

    Get a sense of humor.

  7. jenndog   December 17, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    The author of this article included way too many not so funny puns. The press is getting so ridiculous. I read the article because I wanted to make sure I read the headline correctly. What an absolutely ridiculous piece of “journalisms” yuck

  8. Austios Hawkins   December 15, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    I do not blame her one bit. If anyone eats my dark chocalate almond bare i would be yelling my head off. Little pleasers we allow ourselves to indulge in are not to be taken by anyone else in the house. I keep mine to reduce coleseral and as a antioxident, that makes me think i am making an atempt to be more healthy. I have hurd that nuts every day will help a person live longer, and i am shure the queen has been made aware of this and that is the reason she has them all over so that she may have them where ever her duties take her.

  9. Ken Tasch   December 14, 2013 at 3:15 am

    You are what you eat!

  10. Buzzy Birdwell   December 13, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Aunty, you did spot “A Satire, By Christina Ibbotson” at the bottom of the peace didn’t you?

  11. Christina Ibbotson   December 13, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Aunty Keli Garcia,

    The article was purely satirical and done only in fun,lol. Good to see your reaction,though, as it humored me.

    Thanks, the author

  12. Aunty Keli Garcia   December 13, 2013 at 11:42 am

    Are you kidding me?!?! What audacity! Our world has problems. For example, Fukushima is killing our Oceans and poisoning our planet with radiation and instead of focusing on making our world better she acts like a spoiled child! What she should be doing is thanking these people who spend 24/7 protecting her spoiled royal fanny instead of her imbecilic temper tantrum over nuts! She’s an idiot! Also, how dare she waste the court’s time by demanding “justice” or her 100+ peanut bowls? She needs to take that silver spoon out of her mouth and insert it in an orifice where fecal matter comes out… because this whole thing is nothing but crap!


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