Queen Elizabeth: Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My Nuts

Queen Elizabeth: Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My Nuts

Queen Elizabeth went squirrel on her Royal Protection Officers when she found her nuts in their mouths. Nuts about her nuts, the folk at Buckingham Palace leave those crunches around just for the Queen’s mouth. The bowls are always filled to the top with the assorted traps for her savory tooth, but when she went to have some, the darn nutty officers had eaten practically all of them.

The Queen was so furious after the officers ate her snacks that she went nuts and began marking the bowls to gauge the levels that were dropping. She may be in her 80’s but the Queen is no dummy. She knows when her favorite treats go eaten by others, and this infuriating matter has turned Queen Elizabeth into a detective. She will catch the thieves of her mixed nuts and there will be royal hell to pay!

To fix this robbery of her tasty meals, the Queen went and loaded her weapon with pellets of popcorn, another favorite meal of hers, figuring, they want to eat my nuts; I’ll shoot them with all the morsels they’ll ever have!  Further, she went and filed a report with the high court, and reported that grubby fingers of the hired help were consuming the Bombay mix of nuts left out for her around the Palace.

Queen Elizabeth: Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My NutsThe Queen’s son Charles and his wife, Camilla both were put on alert with a note from Queen Elizabeth. “Nobody better lay a finger on my nuts! The mixture of cashews, peanuts and walnuts, are all mine, and my vast wealth is not cut out to go treating the hired help to my goodies. They ate all of your nuts in March 2005, right before your wedding, and now they are eating mine, daily,” complained the Queen.  “I will find who the thieves of my nuts are,” she said in the note, “and will charge them with treason of the highest kind!”

Word has it that the high court read the case. The judge, whom no one knows laughed his head off in his chambers, eventually immediately sent out a blast email to all of the royal protection officers. He alerted them that the Queen is on to them and that they best simmer down on the eating of her nuts or keep their sticky fingers out of her countless bowls.

The Queen is so mad that her royal edibles have been mishandled, she expects this trial will last well into 2014. “I am irked about how many of my nuts they were eating,” the Queen told reporters. No one eats my peanuts and gets away with it, the Queen has avowed.

The Queen has said, “It is a terrible injustice to walk around Buckingham Palace each day and find that everyone but I has dipped into my hundreds of bowls of nuts!”  She then argued, “Does anyone realize how much the lots of nuts cost me? They are not cheap; I pay a whole £ 2.90373 for them and that’s because I don’t get them from America, where they cost $3.00!”

Seems the Queen’s upcoming success in catching out officers who are stealing her nuts isn’t the only story going about the palace lately. Certain sections of the palace are going swept for bugs, as well. One of the hired help went removed from the palace on the grounds of ill health. Sources are saying this employee won’t admit it but he was one of the sneaks who been secretly stealing Queen Elizabeth’s nuts and scoffing them down in hiding places no one has dusted in years.

Charles and Camilla are, beside themselves, as the same thing had occurred the morning of their wedding and the Queen could not even crack a smile for the pictures that day, she was so ticked by the ongoing event. They have hurried to warn everyone at the palace of the note and details they received from Queen Elizabeth, bearing the heading: “Nobody better lay a finger on my nuts!”

A Satire, By Christina Ibbotson

NBC World News