Vitamins Kill, Big Pharma Saves

 Vitamins

It has finally been confirmed by an independent, unbiased, totally neutral scientific study, which was published in a reputable, well-read journal, that vitamins kill. The good news is the same study shows that while vitamins are now finally confirmed to be harmful killers of the human immune system, pharmaceutical petroleum-based drugs are actually wonderfully healing and have consistently been shown to positively impact the human body.

Despite the baseless accusations hurled at the medical and pharmaceutical establishment by natural medicine proponents who claim that “big pharma” is doing more harm than good, independent scientific studies (using a number of methods involving numbers, lab coats, samples and tools) have now irrefutably proven that petroleum-based laboratory drugs are far superior to natural vitamins and minerals when it comes to regaining and sustaining health.

It has long been thought by those not privy to the discoveries of “higher science,” that natural herbs, vitamins and minerals were the key to attaining and sustaining perfect health in one’s life. The strata of society which strongly held to this view tended also to hold to such views as short earth creationism, accuracy of the scriptural account, absolute truth, morality defined by deity, private property, freedom, sound money, national sovereignty and other such outdated and arcane ideologies. Despite the wider range of groundless unprofitable and bigoted views held by such individuals, the concept of vitamins, herbs, and minerals being the best sources for attaining perfect health was perhaps their greatest error. Thanks to modern science however, this once generally accepted notion has been so totally refuted that society is beginning to take notice of the findings. It is becoming more and more clear to the general public that vitamins do in fact kill, while petroleum-based drugs save lives and provide the proper answer to the ailing health of people all around the world.

The Center for True and Lasting Health in a Free World Run By Honest Leaders (CTLHFWHL) has released the government approved-and-sponsored statistical findings, and the results are expected to finally put to rest the disputations by those incredulous close-minded hateful citizens, who have for so long opposed the type of scientific advancement that has now proven the superiority of petroleum-based drugs to any other form of prevention or treatment ever known to man.

Statistics released by the CTLHFWHL showed that at least 73.8467 percent of the 5,000,000 obese and dying individuals who took part in the largest health study performed in all of recorded history, showed a significant improvement in all areas of health after being treated solely with petroleum-based drugs which were kindly supplied by the three largest international pharmaceutical firms who, in addition to public grant monies, graciously funded the intense research. These results were in all points better than the results of those who participated in a second study, funded by grass-roots fundraisers and tin-hat protesters, in which almost none of the 10,000 healthy individuals who took part showed any significant improvements in health after being subjected to treatment and diets consisting of ideal amounts of herbs, vitamins, and minerals.

The findings, which can be seen in full (sourced below,) are now clear, proven and irrefutable, says the CTLHFWHL, that vitamins do indeed kill, while big pharma and petrolium-based complex drugs save lives. The sooner the tin-hat wearing, hateful, close-minded, patriotic and untrained segments of society come to see this truth, the faster truth and lasting health can be attained by the entire world.

A Satirical Editorial By Daniel Worku

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