Colonel Meow Dead at Two

Colonel Meow Dead at Two

The Internet was in mourning today as Colonel Meow, one of its most famous cats, was confirmed to be dead at the age of two. The death of the viral sensation and CEO of BuzzFeed was announced on his official Facebook page this morning.

The Seattle-based Meow had over 350,000 followers on Facebook at the time of his passing, all of whom were left numb with grief when the cat’s human owners, known as “slave-beasts,” announced his sad passing. Meow’s fans, known as “minions,” had been rooting for the little guy to pull through after it was announced back in November that he was suffering from a heart condition. Meow’s minions raised over $15,000 in donations in under 24 hours, allowing the cat to receive a vital blood transfusion and operation.

Colonel Meow’s life may have been short, but it certainly was eventful. A Himalayan-Persian crossbreed, Meow was found abandoned at the side of the road as a kitten. He was rescued and taken to a shelter, where he was later adopted by Anne Marie and Eric Rosario. From such humble beginnings sprang forth a remarkable career.

Meow became a sensation on YouTube, Instagram and Facebook due to his authoritarian demeanor. People all over the world, perhaps yearning for strong leadership in a time of global crisis, approved of Colonel Meow’s stated ambitions for world domination.

He may not have achieved world domination as such, but Colonel Meow did rack up two remarkable achievements before being announced dead at the tragically young age of two. In April of last year, noted cat enthusiasts Buzzfeed announced that he was to become their new CEO. The website is currently in mourning and has posted the world’s first ever obituary to be entirely composed of GIFs.

In August of last year, Meow joined the great and the good in the Guinness Book of World Records when he was confirmed to have the longest fur on record, at an incredible 9 inches. To qualify for the book, Meow had to have his fur verified by three independent vets. He now appears in the 2014 edition of the book and will appear in each future edition until he is successfully challenged.

Meow is also widely credited with fostering a stronger understanding between felines and humans. One of his last videos was The Box Report, a full study commissioned by Colonel Meow aimed at understanding why cats are so attracted to boxes. Despite commissioning a full lab report, the question remains unanswered and now, following his passing, seems set to remain a mystery forever.

Although he may not have achieved the global recognition of rivals such as Grumpy Cat, who has yet to release a statement, Colonel Meow was a cult figure with a devoted following. His natural charisma, record-breaking fur and deep love of Scotch saw him earn a devoted following the world over, with tearful fans on Facebook saying, “May he dominate the afterlife and submit all there to his will.” He may be dead at the tender age of two, but his memory will live on in memes for years to come.

By Bernard O’Leary



One Response to "Colonel Meow Dead at Two"

  1. Greta Murphy   March 30, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    The people who contributed a total of $15,000 to save a dying cat that was seeming beyond hope had very kind intentions. May I suggest that you instead donate your money to your local animal shelter? Or, perhaps volunteer a few hours of your time at a shelter every month?

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