As nearly everyone knows by now, Justin Bieber was arrested for DUI early this morning. At around 4:00 a.m. the Biebs was pulled over for “street racing” and he was none too pleased when the cops tried to take him in. Subsequently, he was also charged with resisting arrest. While many people on social media are lambasting Bieber for his actions and some are even jokingly calling for the death penalty, there is a very serious reason for Bieber’s problems and it’s no laughing matter. It’s actually not his fault. He deserves sympathy, not scorn. Here’s why.
While many may have never heard of this affliction, Bieber suffers from a severe condition called Celebitis, a subset of symptoms brought on by a devastating disease known as Affluenza. Affluenza is a syndrome that recently came into the common public lexicon when a teen in Texas was sentenced to probation after a drunk driving accident that killed four people. The judge found that the drunk teen was the real victim because he was suffering from Affluenza. This condition arises when a person is indulged and privileged, so they end up with the mindset “if it feels good, do it.” They don’t really know right from wrong. Obviously, those afflicted with this syndrome are no more to blame for their actions than someone suffering from a physical condition.
While many have now heard of the dread condition of Affluenza, few have heard of the even more serious condition stemming from this disease. Celebitis is a terrible affliction and strikes mainly celebrities, especially if they’re young, very attractive and super famous. Dr. N’oa Nutting explains:
Celibitis strikes quickly, and it strikes fast. Symptoms include a complete lack of respect for others, excessive drinking and drug use, the appearance of a slack-jawed dunce, and a disdain for people the celebrity considers lower than himself. For example, when Justin Bieber peed into a custodian’s bucket last year, many people thought he was being rude, but he was actually exhibiting the classic symptoms of Celebitis. Now he’s been arrested for DUI but it’s not his fault. Poor thing.
Dr. Nutting says little can be done to curb Affluenza and the accompanying Celebitis, and at present, there is no cure for the terrible disease. However, researchers are working round the clock to discover better treatments to bring celebrities the help they so desperately need. “We’ve applied for a five billion dollar grant to push this important research forward,” says Dr. Nutting, “and the Celebitis Foundation is sponsoring a 5k run this spring. Together, we can bring hope to celebrities worldwide.”
Other celebrities suspected of having the condition include Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, however, there has been no official diagnosis by their physicians at this time. Researchers are experimenting with a cure that involves complete immersion into an even more lavish lifestyle. They’re hoping this so-called “exposure therapy” will eventually desensitize the celebrity and make him or her snap out of the stupor that accompanies the disease. “We hope that by immersing the celebrity even deeper into their lifestyle of being surrounded by sycophants and excess, a cure can be found. Some of the funding will go toward attendants who will stand by the celebrity’s side and continually whisper ‘you’re better than everyone else’ into the celebrity’s ear. They’ll also feed the sufferer grapes and give them hot oil massages every four hours,” says Dr. Nutting.
Other experts disagree with this approach, though, and favor a complex technique they call “Snapdafoqoutofit.” This cure would involve stripping the celebrity of all of his or her riches and sending him or her to an underprivileged country to dig ditches 20 hours a day with only saltines and water to eat. It would also involve repeatedly slapping the celebrity in the face while screaming “What is wrong with you? You’re a disgusting mess of a person! Grow up!”
Either way, it is clear that while Justin Bieber was arrested for DUI, it’s not his fault. Knowing the reason why will hopefully inspire millions to contribute to the Celebitis Foundation. “Celebitis is one of the most devastating conditions known to humankind,” says Dr. Nutting. “Let’s work together to turn it around; not just for Justin Bieber, but for all overprivileged celebrities. We can’t let the disease win. We just can’t.”
By: Rebecca Savastio