Philly police did a Gouda job (especially if you’re from South Philly) when they busted the alleged Swiss Cheese Pervert earlier this week. Suspect Chris Pagano was apprehended at his home in Norristown by police from the Special Victim’s Unit after multiple complaints from area women that Pagano was driving around asking them to perform inappropriate acts on him with a block of Swiss cheese.
According to reports, Pagano would cruise around the streets of Philly in his car with a large block of fresh Swiss cheese. He would slow down and yell to women out of his window. When they would approach the vehicle, Pagano would expose himself and then ask them to rub the block of Swiss cheese on his private area. He would also offer them payment in exchange for this service if they complied with his requests.
Pagano’s deep love affair with Swiss cheese goes back quite a long way. He apparently put up ads on dating sites and exchanged emails with quite a few ladies in which he explained his obsession with the delicious dairy product. One of his emails sheds light on how he came to be enamored of the cheesy treat:
I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.
Pagano also allegedly has a Twitter account called Swiss Cheese Pervert which he used to send out tweets about the reasons he loves to use Swiss cheese as an object of sexual gratification. One of his tweets explains that he is unable to perform sexually without the aid of a block of Swiss cheese: “I’m lactose incompetent. Can’t get it up without a block of Swiss cheese,” said the tweet.
Prior to his being busted in Philly, he terrorized all areas of the city and even went into other counties from time to time. Police, who did a Gouda job during the arrest, had plenty of photos of Pagano, both from women who had snapped pictures of him in his car holding up a block of Swiss cheese, and from security cameras in the region. Pagano had also placed ads on OK Cupid and other dating sites, so police were able to easily identify him as the suspect in the case.
Once residents in the Mayfair section of Philly put up signs warning neighbors about Pagano, a reporter went to the suspect’s house and knocked on the door. Reports say that Pagano answered the door naked from the waist down but denied being the Swiss cheese pervert. He’ll now have to tell it to the judge as police have done a Gouda job in busting Pagano and removing him from the streets. The frightening Muenster will soon be behind bars. He tried to go his own whey, but now, Pagano is undoubtedly going to be feeling very bleu as he awaits his first court appearance.
By: Rebecca Savastio