This just in: Anthropogenic Global Warming (AGW) has been discovered to be one of the best “get rich quick” schemes in the history of mankind. Research scientists, heads of state, bureaucrats, engineers, major media figures and anyone even remotely related to Al Gore, seem to be taking advantage of this massive windfall. Sadly, for the enablers, the deniers and regular people who still have to work for a living, that windfall seems to stem directly from their pockets.
From 2008 through 2013, the poor schlub working taxpayers just in America have been forced to shell out $77 billion to stem the rising tide of global warming. They will be adding another 11.6 billion come 2014. On a bright note, since the globe really hasn’t warmed any in over 17 years, maybe that was money well spent. OK, so none of the “research” or “science” has done anything to actually affect the climate, but money was spent and the temperatures did not rise. So, obviously, mother nature got the memo and don’t people feel silly for complaining about it?
The whole AGW concept to seems to rely primarily on good marketing and a consistent message. As any good marketer – or student of German history – will be happy to explain:
Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.
— Famous Old German National Socialist Party Leader
Even the introduction of completely contradictory evidence, will not stem the flow of all that money. Recently for instance, it was explained in great detail that volcanoes are responsible for causing global warming to go on “hiatus.” A reasonable supposition which completely destroys all of the previous “scientific” explanations for where the actual heat had gone.
People in the global warming business had been laboring furiously to explain where all that heat, which they knew was occurring, was hiding itself. A few weeks ago, they suspected Polar Vortex killed Global Warming in the Oceans with a Candlestick. Actually, most of them were ready to Accuse, until somebody flipped over that Volcano card. Now, it wasn’t even Global Warming who got killed! A. Gee Dubya is only on vacation, because volcanoes might mean the death of him.
Of course, the people who are making the most money off of this global warming scheme insist they are not getting rich, even though it’s happening quickly. An untold number of websites, blog spots, online documents and “peer-reviewed papers” written and produced by the people who are making money off of global warming, clearly explain why global warming should receive more funding.
Incredibly, despite being listed as “absolutely for reals proof” of AGW, almost all of those arguments include the words “might, should, possibly, may and most likely.” All of which come with the perennial favorite “consensus.” Since when did good science require a consensus?
In other news: The Intergovernmental Committee on Profitable Panic (ICPP) recently tapped Anthony Weiner to head up their social media photo outreach program. Weiner insists that even though he leans to the left, he will rise to the occasion. Nobel Peace Prize winner and all around global warming guru Al Gore, was heard to say that Weiner was only in it for the money. Of course, Gore was heard saying that at the bank, after cashing his $500 million check from Al Jazeera – which is funded completely through oil profits. However, as Gore likes to say, “some truths are very inconvenient.”
Of course, there are a lot more perks for the AGW crowd than just free billions from the government: They also get to make cute cartoons about stabbing “deniers” in the heart with an icicle – which pays them pretty good money, too. Naturally, it would be an “open act of naked hostility” if the cartoon was drawn of Michael Mann getting ice picked by a denier. However, when a “consensus” theory is based mostly on conjecture and computer models which “predict” anything and everything as evidence, double standards are to be expected.
Since the discovery that global warming is a very excellent get-rich-quick scheme, Carbon Credit Offsets have been trading heavily in the Bitcoin market. Investors cannot wait until 2025 when the hiatus “should” be over, and the globe can start warming again.
Satire by Ben Gaul