iPhone 6 Found Outside Steve Jobs Tomb

iPhone 6
An iPhone 6 beta, the frothing-at-the-mouth, wildly anticipated next incarnation of Apple’s decreasingly popular smartphone, was found on a milking stool outside Steve Jobs’ tomb.

Fan chick and volunteer litter picker-upper Sophia Garcia expressed her astonishment at the discovery of such a valuable treasure. “Diós mió, it was lying there, right in plain sight!” Garcia gleefully snatched up the errant gizmo of an iPhone 6.

Garcia said, “I was in the hall between classes, you know, just hanging by my locker with my girls. They wouldn’t believe it was really a working demo.” She reported that her first attempt at swiping the screen to turn on the unit failed. But her persistence was rewarded when, after the third swipe, the AT&T jingle played and the screen lit up, “with more apps than you have ever seen in your life.”

That was Garcia’s last happy moment. “I lost control of my body. Somebody or something made me take my Toshiba laptop out of my locker, and I smacked myself in my own face with it. You have to believe me. Why would I do such a thing?” The lingering shiner still colored Garcia’s right eye.

Garcia and her “crew,” identical triplets Yelena, Yolanda and Yasmine Nava, were visibly upset as they described what came next. Finding an iPhone 6 outside Steve Jobs’ tomb turned out to be a mixed blessing.  “We heard a voice on the public address system ordering the four of us to go to the cafetorium (lunchroom with a stage),” explained Yolanda, her voice cracking with emotion.

Yasmine continued on behalf of her sister, “It was Steve Jobs. I know his voice. I have all his interviews and product announcements on my YouTube channel.” The young sisters followed the instructions of the Apple CEO, who passed away in 2011.

The group searched the cafetorium for clues about Garcia’s valuable discovery of the iPhone 6. “All we found was a slideshow clicker on the podium,” said Yelena. “I turned it on and clicked it. Nothing came on the big overhead screen, so I turned it off, but it wouldn’t go off. You get what I’m saying? The clicker wouldn’t go off.” Her wide-eyed friends nodded in affirmation.

Yolanda silently wept. “She’s been like that all week,” said Garcia. “I took that clicker back to my locker, but after my next class it was gone.” The clicker had inexplicably returned to the podium on the cafetorium stage.

The following week, police departments throughout California’s San Joaquin Valley received reports of holographic Jobs sightings, primarily in high school auditoriums. Sightings were also reported in Roswell, New Mexico, where people generally prone to phantom pueblo sightings switched to stories of Jobs on a mountaintop, Jobs on a mesa and Jobs on toast.

“He’s really scary, like Ichabod Crane, and not the sexy one on TV. I call him Holo-Jobs. He swipes off his own head and slaps it on the screen. And then his veins and vertebrae are all exposed and disgusting, dripping creepy 3D blood. It’s so cool. Everybody wants one. I tried to clone them, but you know Apple is so freaking proprietary.”

The young women’s delight quickly wore thin as every non-Apple product in their lives began to dysfunction. “Every phone, every notebook, laptop, TV, Xbox, they all got some nasty virus,” exclaimed Yasmine.

Garcia has sworn off all Apple products, but is terrified of the consequences if she switches. “My boyfriend, Inigo Montoya, built his own notebook using Linux on a recycled microwave oven door. He’s the only person I know who hasn’t been hurt.”

Marketing experts and self-help guru Marianne Williamson have offered numerous theories on the significance of the milking stool. Garcia believes the explanation is simple. “It’s close to the ground. If you’re a ghost climbing out of your grave, you gonna hide it in the treetops? I don’t think so.” Garcia became defensive when asked if everyone believes her story of how she found the iPhone 6 outside Steve Jobs’ tomb. “I don’t care, I know what happened.”

When asked for an opinion on the various Jobs hauntings, Bill Gates scoffed, “We’re fine. We use Norton.”

By Melissa Roddy 

Satire

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