J.K. Rowling Files for Divorce From her Fans

J.K. Rowling

20 years ago, J.K. Rowling was just another nameless, faceless member of the mob of Muggle existence. Then she discovered the greatest children’s story to be written in the last 100 years. Sitting in a pub, writing on a napkin, Rowling discovered Harry Potter, buried deep within her own magical mind. The books and Rowling herself became instant hits. The feel good story of the author combined with the amazing world she created sparked a whole new culture of literature. Now millions of readers and watchers later, she is making waves yet again. J.K. Rowling has filed for divorce, not from her long time husband Neil Murray. No; Rowling has filed for a divorce between Ron and Hermione Weasley.  As a result, Rowling has also filed for divorce from her fans.

Fans of the Harry Potter series went into shock this weekend when Rowling made a startling announcement. In an article by Wonderland Magazine, she announced that she made a mistake when she married Hermione Granger to Ron Weasley. She admitted that in hindsight, she would have married Granger to the Chosen One, Mr. Harry Potter.  “Potter stinks!” announced many shocked and broken fans. “Weasley is our king!” shouted many others. Fans all over the world cried out in protest of this announcement, with a heavy feeling of dread in the pits of their stomachs. Unfortunately that feeling wasn’t a bezoar but a betrayal.

Rowling did not come to this decision lightly. She examined her books, took some time away from the world itself. She divorced herself from her characters and looked at it logically, clinically. She was too emotionally invested, she admitted. Joining Ron and Hermione in holy matrimony was a plan from day one. A dream fulfillment, she said. Then what do you her fans call it when Rowling filed for divorce? A nightmare, that’s what. The Slytherins are welcoming her with open arms.

Sure, we get it as readers. Harry and Hermione, the heroes of the story, logically should be together. But what about love? What about Ron? After seven long years of living in Harry’s shadow, he finally wins and gets the girl of his dreams. Now Rowling wants to take that away from him. The poor boy doesn’t have much. He lives in a bungalow with his family of nine and shares his room with a nasty ghoul half the time. And what would Mrs. Weasley say? Rowling better watch out; Mrs. Weasley is one mad mother. Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange. Wait! You can’t. She’s dead.

Okay, so let’s go back and take away Hermione from Ron. Harry and she get together and live happily ever after. What happens to the devastated Weasleys? Lost in all this is poor, beautiful Ginny. She is tough as nails and loyal as a Narnian Badger. Who will she end up with, Dean Thomas? He’s not fit to chase her snitch, let alone marry her. And you can’t just re-couple the four main characters because Ron and Ginny can’t end up together. The wizarding world isn’t ancient Egypt. Brothers and sisters don’t hook up for convenience and power.

So we are left in a pickle. Those with no faith think Ron could never be all Hermione needs in a husband. Yet he’s proven himself to be a master chess player, a great keeper, and a loyal friend. Sure he left for some time, but he came back! He came back for Hermione, and isn’t love enough? Harry is no prize, either. Sure, he’s the Chosen One, but the boy can barely comb his hair! Besides, we saw them when they were in high school. They have a lot of growing up to do; you just need a little faith.

I guess the phrase “speak now or forever hold your piece” has no merit anymore. J.K. Rowling has filed for divorce, not just for Ron and Hermione, but from her fans. I wish she’d just let sleeping three-headed dogs lie. Trust me; there’s nothing under that door but trouble.

By Chris Chisam


NY Daily News