Paris Hilton, the original reality superstar, is suspected of being the source of a leaked VHS sex video of Miley Cyrus. The antiquated tech was found at a Goodwill Store outside Henderson, Nevada. One bleary-eyed witness reported seeing a “willowy blonde shell” toss a box of old tapes in the general vicinity of the store’s loading dock.
Hank White, a morning regular in the alley behind the Spinning Wheel Casino, known among locals as “Tighty,” said the time of the drop was “oh, I don’t know, what time is it when the sun’s up?” White claimed he saw the skinny blonde woman in very high-heeled shoes “tippy-tip back into her pink Mercedes,” after delivering the package. Despite the fact that the woman he saw appeared sans entourage, White insisted he was “pretty f^*#%ing sure [he] just had a Hilton sighting.”
Picking what appeared to be lice out of his hair, White went on to say the box Paris Hilton left at Goodwill contained a VHS tape labeled “Miley Cyrus Sex Tape,” which he retrieved and leaked to a Henderson reporter. “Cheap-ass only paid me 10 bucks.”
Further investigation revealed the former star of The Simple Life had been seen of late lingering about the back alley door of New York’s exclusive Kiss and Fly nightclub. Last weekend one of the club’s Bowery neighbors, Esther Nohairi, professed to seeing Hilton rush up to second generation celebrity Cyrus as she emerged from the Kiss and Fly service exit. With dramatic gesticulation more common among Lower East Side residents, Nohairi re-enacted the Hilton-Cyrus encounter.
“I see Paris there in the alley with some guy aiming this big old camcorder at her. Miley comes out the door and Paris is giving her mouth to mouth, without so much as a how-do-ya-do.” Nohairi described Cyrus’ reaction to the incident as typically charming. “She dresses silly, but she’s always smiling. What’s not to like?” According to Nohairi, Cyrus then obtained a photo and pen from her assistant. “I think she was offering her an autograph. Miley was smiling and twerking her little butte, but Paris didn’t seem happy. She yanked her photographer by his leash and left.”
Bruno, a Kiss and Fly bouncer who gave only his first name, recognized Hilton from a photo. “Yeh, I remember her. She got kinda sparky when I told her cougars and moms go to the back-o-the-line.”
Hilton, who was famous for being famous throughout the first decade of the 21st Century, has in recent years faded from the limelight. Obtaining access to the hotel heiress for comment required piercing noticeably fewer layers than in years gone by. “Growing old is so lonely. I’m down to only 10 or 12 party appearances a day. How’s a girl supposed to earn a living? Perez gets more!” When asked about the Cyrus encounter, Hilton became indignant, “Talk about a wrecking ball! The little twerk offered me an autograph!”
Media reactions to the sex tape have been muted and revolve mostly around Hilton’s use of outdated technology. “Of course I use analog,” she replied, “Who can control digital?”
Response to the sex tape “scandal” from the Cyrus camp was muted. Her publicist, Michelle Levine, expressed disappointment that there was no actual sex on the tape. “Paris Hilton was the goddess who invented the leaked sex tape PR stunt, which is why we released a Miley Cyrus sex video last year. What am I supposed to do with a second one with no sex?”
Satire By Melissa Roddy
Photo by Melissa Roddy