It seems that every culture has its own end of the world myth, and the Vikings were no exception. According to the Ragnarok prediction, on February 22, 2014, the world will have ended. Also, according to most major news outlets, minorities and women were hit hardest.
A lot of people have said they are going to miss the earth; the green grass, the breathable atmosphere, the fear of global warming… Fortunately, now that the world has ended, a lot of those other doomsday predictions can be completely ignored. This news comes as quite a shock to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, because they were counting on a much larger budget for fiscal year 2014. One climate scientist was able to look on the bright side though; he was heard to say “maybe now everyone will believe us, that the world was going to end.”
A spokesman for the Mayans was less sanguine about the entire affair. “It is totally unfair for the Vikings,” he said just after the world ended “to accept responsibility for an apocalypse we Mayans clearly predicted.” He went on to say “Just because you white people were unable to keep our calendar straight, does not mean our predictions are any less valid than the Viking’s!”
Predictably, because Ragnarok has ended the world in 2014, President Barack Obama has tasked attorney general Eric Holder with forming a blue ribbon panel, to investigate if any racism was involved in the Viking story of Ragnarok. Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson Junior have both been tapped to head the committee. Indictments are expected any day now.
The Vikings and other followers of the old Norse gods, have been quick to point out that their apocalypse is a lot more fun than the ones predicted by the Mayans or the Christians. No seals were broken, no feathered serpents were seen, no movies featuring John Cusack avoiding earthquakes were made… Just a lot of happy Viking warriors, endlessly fighting wolf-demons spawned by Loki’s grandson. Of course, there was that giant snake and the rays of the sun turning black, but the world ended on a high note so everyone should be feeling pretty good about it.
Another positive aspect about the Viking apocalypse, is that Ragnarok offers a rebirth. Now that the earth and “all who dwell in it” have sunk into the sea, a new earth is due to emerge any day now. Everything on the new Earth will be bright and shiny and verdant and green. Also, two lucky people will be chosen at random to survive the apocalypse and repopulate the entire Earth. A recent survey of all the people in the immediate area has produced a kind of “wish list” for the other surviving half of the human race.
The survey discovered that she should be a redhead, anywhere from 5’5” to 5’9”, with blue eyes, a winning smile, a sparkling personality, good personal hygiene and a decidedly flexible taste in men. Her tastes in fact, should run towards older, somewhat overweight men who write professionally and have great vocabularies.
Reporting live from “Ragnarok 2014,” this has been the Guardian Liberty Voice with the end of the world.
By Ben Gaul