Academy Award Ceremony Canceled! (Satire)

Academy Award

Though it might surely come as a tragedy to some, yes, the Academy Award ceremony has now officially been canceled. That means, as some people would describe it: “No red carpet, no dresses, no pictures, no stumbles, flops, taboo comments made by shiny celebrities and to top it all off; no statues of little golden men will be distributed to selected wealthy homes around the city of Los Angeles.”

Some might ponder how this could have happened, and what the reason could be, but to many a local resident of Los Angeles it’s evidently obvious: The rain. Yes, southern California has experienced what several locals describe as a “winter storm.” While to some people in the Midwest where the potentially fierce Titan has held its stronghold, which some might further describe as a kind of hostage situation, this would seem as a tiny bit of rain, but to the ordinary sun-worshiping Californian, this is probably a natural disaster.

A secret informant within the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is quoted to have said: “This is simply a matter of safety, as lives are clearly immediately threatened by this devastating situation.” That, according to our reporter on location, whose name is unknown as he’s a failed actor, could possibly be a reference to Los Angeles traffic. Further, he adds that it has for long been an accepted fact among many Angelenos, as the locals reportedly call themselves, that they’re terrible drivers. Thus, not only does the rain slow down the local traffic, but it creates a potential life threatening situation. From that, one could possibly draw the assumption that the Motion Picture Academy’s first priority is human safety, and not the Award presentation, which some might consider a publicity stunt.

Another informant, who for the sake of his position, would like to remain anonymous, reports from inside the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, stating that the chamber is furiously outraged by the news that this year’s Academy Award ceremony is canceled, stating it comes as a massive financial hit upon the local businesses in Hollywood, who solely depend on the Academy Awards as their economic sanctuary to survive through the first quarter. The chamber is seemingly worried that this will result in a massive increase of unemployment, which would be a disaster to the already struggling golden state.

Despite the reported outrage from the chamber of commerce, it could be concluded that the rain should come as good news to Governor Brown, who in January declared a state of emergency after repeated attempts of rain dance performances proved insufficient to save the state from the threatening drought. “We can’t make it rain,” he reportedly said in the press release where the declaration was announced. Whether the unfortunate timing of the rain and the cancellation of the Academy Award festivities comes to darken the potentially good news of rain for the dry and suffering state in the Governor’s opinion has not been confirmed at this point.

After repeated attempts at reaching scientists for their expert opinion on the various aspects of the situation, the reporter had to relinquish. Some might assume that the lack of response to phone calls might be a sign that they’re still persistently consumed with the puzzle caused by a recently uncovered NASA fact sheet suggesting that the sun is actually hot. The sun being hot, however, doesn’t change the potentially heart breaking reality that due to heavy rain in southern California, the Academy Award Ceremony is officially canceled.

Satire by Halldor Fannar Sigurgeirsson

Sources:
LA Times
The Academy Awards
GLV (NASA Satire)
CA Governor’s Office

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