Crime Experts Say Peaceful Dialogue Is Best Defense

 Crime Satire

In light of the high-profile shootings in recent years, crime experts have released a new tool for the average citizen to defend themselves against attack by muggers and armed burglars: peaceful dialogue. The best thing a citizen can do to resist crime, is not resist, according to experts.

Frank Jones, spokesman of the Chicago chapter of Society for Understanding Criminal Killers and Eschewing Reality (SUCKER), stated that his staff has distributed a leaflet entitled “Your Attacker and You: How to Engage a Violent Criminal in Peaceful Dialogue” to people in high crime areas. The literature includes offering your burglar a cold beer on a hot sunny afternoon, or the chance for a carjacker to test the quality of one’s new BMW before he steals it. When asked how successful he believes the leaflet has worked, Jones replied that it is working very well. He went on to elaborate that his organization does not typically feel a need to operate in “gun free zones,” as no shootings or any kind of violence occur in such places.

When asked whether people should be allowed to maintain a weapon for self-defense against a violent criminal, Jones responded with a resounding “No.” He stated that private citizens have no need for a gun, pepper spray, or any other weapon. He indicates that such a person is only a danger to themselves, or worse, the poor misunderstood soul approaching them with a weapon. “If people simply read the new leaflet we produced, they would see that a pleasant conversation is the best defense against injury.” When asked if people should still be allowed to install burglar alarms in their homes, he answered that it is still acceptable, for now, but that the noise might disturb the home invader, and make it impossible to hear the homeowner offer assistance with loading a heavy stereo into his getaway truck, so more research is being done on how to avoid that problem.

Rounding out the press conference, one reporter for the Associated Press asked if SUCKER and other experts had any further plans for their latest strategy. Jones answered positively, stating that he expects arrests in his city to drop by 80 percent by the end of 2014. When asked how such a remarkable drop in crime could occur so quickly, he explained that when confronting a violent criminal, a police officer should no longer make an arrest. Instead, the new policy would be to utilize the “Peaceful Dialogue” method. Jones explains, “Imagine the following scenario: we have an incident where an officer interrupted a break-in at a warehouse. The officer discusses with the thief why this is wrong, and that it’s best if he does not do that. The crook is very appreciative, and they shake hands. Our officer makes sure to lock the warehouse door, after the thief had loaded everything in his van and left.” He went on to say that it is private citizens defending themselves against aggression that should be against the law.

Other cities have announced plans to start SUCKER chapters. Detroit announced that since distributing its own literature, arrests should drop 16 percent by the end of the first quarter. Mike Stewart, who hopes to be the first president of the Detroit chapter, stated at a press conference that “This is definitely a way for the city of Detroit to encourage co-existence between criminals and the average citizen.”

Experts say only a fool would have outdated delusions of resisting violent crime by means of personal security. A truly progressive, civilized person will use the latest defense strategy. A dialogue, and maintaining an air of peaceful acquiescence are the best defense against attack. “Just look at how safe Detroit and Chicago are right now,” said Stewart, “the criminally violent need love too.”

Satire by Ian Erickson