Crimea, formerly known as a peninsula is now a floating island, as a result of a series of events that occurred over the weekend and early week. The population of the somewhat independent region of the Ukraine voted to leave the country on Sunday, but simultaneously seem to have made a decision they still were not going anywhere.
An informer on the inside, Iwana Takeoff, reported that due to expected pressure and potential threats from Kiev, the locals considered their only rational option to launch what they labeled “Super Secret Operation UFC171,” Which to experts appears to be a failed attempt at an insult aimed at Klitschko, who was in fact a boxer, not an MMA fighter. The difference does not appear to have been worth their two rubles to the locals, as those two rubles were all they got from Moscow when trading in their entire Ukrainian hryvnia for their new Russian currency.
The aforementioned operation was launched with the assistance of Russian armed forces located in Crimea shortly before the result of the vote was in, as thousands rushed out to the tiny piece of land that connected the region to the rest of the Ukraine and started digging, as a result of which, the peninsula got rid of its tedious anchor and started floating, thus identifying as an island.
After several attempts at paddling and a few scary near collisions with the coasts of Turkey and Romania, a turn of events the people of Crimea would come to regret for generations, the operation finally managed to power the freely drifting new island with the engine of a Russian military steam boat. “People were just thankful to God that the Bosphorus was too narrow to fit our beloved new island, otherwise we would have been at risk of getting stranded in Greece,” Takeoff added.
After having spent most of Monday taking control of their navigation, and the following night sailing Crimea across the Black Sea to the northeast, the new island finally seemed to be heading for a successful collision with the shore of “Mother Russia,” when the steam boat engine blew out. This addition to the series of misfortunes is suggested by experts to be a result of all the oil having remained in the Ukrainian part of the shared pipeline, which is now being tanked into an unidentified US Navy vessel for reasons unknown, as the US authorities have refused to comment on that report.
A statement from the Authorities in Kiev, addressing the events, reads as follows:
“The Ukraine has now gotten rid of what it has for long considered an inflamed appendix. The loud and economically impractical former peninsula, currently a floating island, known as Crimea will be happily donated to Russia on the condition that they leave the rest of the Ukraine intact. Other people who identify as Russians, living in the Ukraine, are welcome to leave as well, as long as they please do not take the land with them as they cross the border.”
Other countries and regions appear to be inspired by these events and it has been reported that the Kamchatka peninsula of Eastern Russia is considering to merge with Japan, South Korea has opened a discussion whether to separate from the North and seek warmer waters as the “Gangnam Style”neighboring island of Hawaii, a floating mission to be powered by Kia and Hyundai. Florida claims it will stay where it is, out of fear of getting lost in the Bermuda triangle. The world might thus see more peninsulas become islands, as Crimea has now possibly initiated a new wave of “insularism.”
Satire by Halldor Fannar Sigurgeirsson