Giant Virus Revived and Zombie Apocalypse Imminent [Satire]

giant virus

Leading scientists have uncovered an ancient, 30,000 year old ‘giant virus’ in the Siberian permafrost, which could be infectious and news agencies around the world will all soon be warning of the imminent threat of a zombie apocalypse taking place. According to the scientists who made the discovery, the ancient virus (called ‘giant’ for its ability to be seen under a microscope) had not infected anything in 30,000 years, but it has now sprung back to life in the laboratory.

“The fact that this giant virus has revived itself and returned to life after 30,000 years of inactivity, is in my opinion, solid evidence that what we have discovered is actually the beginning of what could be an imminent zombie apocalypse,” warns one of the scientists who made the initial discovery. “It might have had different effects before, but it has clearly mutated now and we need to start taking precautions. For all we know, we are already infected.”

Initial findings suggested that the giant virus, which is called Pithovirus sibericum can only infect amoebas and humans are actually quite safe from its potential threats. If this is the case, then why are there worries about an imminent zombie apocalypse happening? “Well of course that is what we were going to say,” confided researchers in a private interview with the Guardian Liberty Voice. “We do not want there to be mass panic before the outbreak. Wait, you are not going to publish this, are you?”

giant virus
A picture of the zombie proof house that was constructed with the upcoming apocalypse in mind.

While the threats of the zombie apocalypse are terrifying for many, some individuals have already been taking precautions and feel like they are going to do quite well for themselves when the dead soon roam the Earth. One man has already constructed his very own zombie-proof house and has been taking crossbow lessons, so he feels that he will be prepared. “I have watched every single episode of The Walking Dead and was born for this,” he confessed in an interview.

Indeed, this new giant virus comes at an opportune time when the world already eagerly anticipates every Sunday night to catch the next episode of their favorite AMC television series. After each episode of The Walking Dead airs, there is a one-hour segment called Talking Dead that is hosted by Chris Hardwick.

zombie apocalypse
Will Chris Hardwick become humanity’s leader and savior during the zombie apocalypse?

Throughout each of these talk shows, Hardwick has constantly promoted a small segment devoted entirely to “zombie apocalypse survival tips.” Leading up to these clips, Hardwick has always commented words to the effect of, “You can use these survival tips in the zombie apocalypse, which will obviously happen.”

This leads to the question, with the zombie apocalypse now being imminent thanks to the revival of this giant virus from Siberia, where and how did Hardwick receive his insider information? And with doom approaching for all in the near future, will Hardwick rise to the occasion and become a veritable leader for what remains of humanity in the zombie apocalypse? Time will tell as the final days approach and until then, now would be a good time to learn how to fight with a sword and how to build a campfire using sticks. These are skills that will prove to be very useful in the dangerous days that lie ahead.

Satire by Jonathan Holowka

Sources:
National Geographic
BBC News
Talking Dead

20 Responses to "Giant Virus Revived and Zombie Apocalypse Imminent [Satire]"

  1. michael ian whittlesey   October 5, 2015 at 9:13 am

    why do people waste time out of their lives making fake websites?

    Reply
  2. Kevin Bond (@Cancerkiller543)   March 1, 2015 at 8:29 am

    There already is a real threat of zombie virus to alter the human DNA – In fact the Ebola outbreak is a hoax to trick you into getting a viral nanobot laced vaccine that will destroy you – But I got the deadly weapon to instantly destroy that viral zombie nanobot spread by vaccines – The hatched zombie apocalypse can be totally frustrated – My discovery can save the world from the zombie apocalypse and keep everybody absolutely healthy all the time – I got my WVCD – The Weapon of Virus and Cancer Destruction – Just an exercise for a minute a day – The cure and prevention of any diseases, known on Earth for more than 2 million years – Infections, Cancers, Diabetes, MS and Strokes – Even Tibetans and Yoga don’t know how to stay absolutely healthy all the time – The price of the WVCD for the whole world is 5 billion EURO (can be paid to me by the governments of all countries in the world) – Only my WVCD can destroy the T4 Bacteriophage viral nanobot spread by vaccines, hatched to cause global zombie apocalypse and wipe out billions of humans, the moment it gets into our blood stream and save the whole world – Just google “T4 Bacteriophage nanobot” to get all the info regarding this Israeli race warfare ethno-bomb.

    Reply
    • michael ian whittlesey   October 5, 2015 at 9:11 am

      wow… i can exercise for an hour a day and and I could still be infected now matter how healthy you are….it just makes you a stronger host…a stronger, harder to kill opponent if you were ever infected

      Reply
  3. Danny Garcia   October 16, 2014 at 5:41 am

    Is it gamma happen?

    Reply
  4. FaTez28   September 14, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    lol get shot 6 times and still eat a mans face and i’ll call you a zombie idc,the ”zombies” wont be like any movie or game you’ve ever seen or played.it will be a man made parasite or virus strain that are own government will use for depopulation.miami was a test.the real ”zombies” will be the worse thing to ever happen read the bible.one thing is true though you can’t die twice..

    Reply
  5. chris   July 20, 2014 at 4:14 am

    I also forgotten to say: since the last of us came out we wondered: what is cordyceps? The creators of the last of us used an really existing virus. But in reality its not a long time ago since scientists have discovered this Ant-virus and they believe that this bug-virus is only in its beginning stage. I say: i don’t believe a ZA will ever come. I wanna see first proof that it exists and yet nobody ever seen A REAL ZOMBIE before

    Reply
  6. chris   July 20, 2014 at 4:03 am

    That’s why the zombie apocalypse will never come. We have watched and played so many zombie movies/games that in reality, humanity is extra coutious so we won’t make the same mestake… we all don’t want that a zombie apocalypse gonna happen, like Brady00010 said zombies might not be what we think they are. I personally thinks that a ZO will nevet happen. Sure there have been some attacks like in miami…. everyone knows the tale. But that was just cannibalism… it wasn’t virus because we would be infected right now.

    Reply
  7. brady00010   July 16, 2014 at 8:00 pm

    If we know how to kill zombies then we’ll Live through it. But what if we don’t? What if the brain isn’t Where we aim? What if the inly way to kill them is to dismember them and burn them, and at that will it be an airborn virus only to be magnified every time one is killed spraying fluids out? We can’t be fully prepared for anything we just have to be as best prepared as we can be.

    Reply
  8. Deadgirl676   July 11, 2014 at 8:17 am

    I mean I wanna If its really gonna happen.. cause if it is gonna happen I can at least keep a lookout nd be careful. I’m 13 nd I bet I know a lot of stuff bout zombies nd how to kill them already for just a girl being 13 but if anyone I mean anyone has any information bout it say something

    Reply
  9. chris   July 6, 2014 at 4:37 am

    Its verry wise to begin preparing for this apocalypse. The question is not IF its a question of WHEN. We are halfway 2014 and still seen no sign. We have watched so many zombie games and movies that actually everyone in this world would know what to do when it happens. Its not like in resident evil that the police and military will have no chance against a horde. I’m sure that there are lots of people that knows how to kill a zombie.

    Reply
  10. chris   July 6, 2014 at 4:27 am

    Death. Thats what we will give ourselves. Death and ruin. If humanity keeps being curious we will awaken our doom. Many people that says or thinks that they are prepared, aren’t actually prepared. Zombies are maybe predictable. Because zombies don’t think twice . They have the abilitie on locking on a target and do everything to kill its target
    People thinks that they can holdout in a shelter with food, water, a communication device,ammo and guns for a few weeks. I have a yes and a no on that: yes: you can survive with those items for weeks and you can always hope for a military or survivor contact. Like in left 4 dead, people thinks that they can face a horde pretty easy and some thinks that everyone woult just die. The everyone die is more realistic then the horde killer. The physical strength of the survivors in l4d are too much unrealistic. Think about it: can a 22 years old girl (zoey) push up to 6 zombies backwards with its gun… i don’t think so. Living people are 100 times more dangerous then the undead. The zombie needs to run/walk to you and bite/kill you but a person can use its surroundings as advantage, raise their arm and pull their finger then poof. No matter how strong you are an bullet still kills you.

    Reply
  11. Anonymous   June 25, 2014 at 4:08 am

    We should all prepare for all of this and especially our resources !

    Reply
  12. jorge   May 31, 2014 at 11:18 pm

    We should get prepared for the apocalipse my calculations say its coming in less than 6 months

    Reply
  13. Deaths Gambit   May 17, 2014 at 8:51 am

    If a zombie apocalypse did happen it would just get neutralised unless the zombies end up like world war z or left 4 dead in which we are pretty screwed.

    Reply
  14. fakefake   May 3, 2014 at 9:56 am

    wow!

    Reply
  15. Marco   March 26, 2014 at 5:14 am

    I agree with that guy up there he’s telling the truth.

    Reply
  16. Monica petersen   March 18, 2014 at 9:18 am

    It may freak u all out but it will happen and we need need to get ready for it!!!…

    Reply
  17. jack   March 14, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    No danger as of yet but viruses have been known to mutate to become much more deadly also scientific labs across the world work with deceases such as this every day to create cures but all this manipulation of said viruses could “accidentally” excel the speed of its mutation so once the virus is at the next stage it could be immune to any old cure we made in the past… we then catch this virus then spreads through cities until we have a global epidemic that (nearly) wipes out our species. @AYNConspiracy Like us on Twitter for more information.

    Reply
  18. liz   March 5, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    It thos bs. Or for real. This freaks me out

    Reply
    • help yourself   March 12, 2014 at 10:48 am

      Its a Satire, meaning fake, the virus that was found is real. However there is no danger to humans from it.

      Reply

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