Giant Virus Revived and Zombie Apocalypse Imminent [Satire]

giant virus

Leading scientists have uncovered an ancient, 30,000 year old ‘giant virus’ in the Siberian permafrost, which could be infectious and news agencies around the world will all soon be warning of the imminent threat of a zombie apocalypse taking place. According to the scientists who made the discovery, the ancient virus (called ‘giant’ for its ability to be seen under a microscope) had not infected anything in 30,000 years, but it has now sprung back to life in the laboratory.

“The fact that this giant virus has revived itself and returned to life after 30,000 years of inactivity, is in my opinion, solid evidence that what we have discovered is actually the beginning of what could be an imminent zombie apocalypse,” warns one of the scientists who made the initial discovery. “It might have had different effects before, but it has clearly mutated now and we need to start taking precautions. For all we know, we are already infected.”

Initial findings suggested that the giant virus, which is called Pithovirus sibericum can only infect amoebas and humans are actually quite safe from its potential threats. If this is the case, then why are there worries about an imminent zombie apocalypse happening? “Well of course that is what we were going to say,” confided researchers in a private interview with the Guardian Liberty Voice. “We do not want there to be mass panic before the outbreak. Wait, you are not going to publish this, are you?”

giant virus
A picture of the zombie proof house that was constructed with the upcoming apocalypse in mind.

While the threats of the zombie apocalypse are terrifying for many, some individuals have already been taking precautions and feel like they are going to do quite well for themselves when the dead soon roam the Earth. One man has already constructed his very own zombie-proof house and has been taking crossbow lessons, so he feels that he will be prepared. “I have watched every single episode of The Walking Dead and was born for this,” he confessed in an interview.

Indeed, this new giant virus comes at an opportune time when the world already eagerly anticipates every Sunday night to catch the next episode of their favorite AMC television series. After each episode of The Walking Dead airs, there is a one-hour segment called Talking Dead that is hosted by Chris Hardwick.

zombie apocalypse
Will Chris Hardwick become humanity’s leader and savior during the zombie apocalypse?

Throughout each of these talk shows, Hardwick has constantly promoted a small segment devoted entirely to “zombie apocalypse survival tips.” Leading up to these clips, Hardwick has always commented words to the effect of, “You can use these survival tips in the zombie apocalypse, which will obviously happen.”

This leads to the question, with the zombie apocalypse now being imminent thanks to the revival of this giant virus from Siberia, where and how did Hardwick receive his insider information? And with doom approaching for all in the near future, will Hardwick rise to the occasion and become a veritable leader for what remains of humanity in the zombie apocalypse? Time will tell as the final days approach and until then, now would be a good time to learn how to fight with a sword and how to build a campfire using sticks. These are skills that will prove to be very useful in the dangerous days that lie ahead.

Satire by Jonathan Holowka

Sources:
National Geographic
BBC News
Talking Dead