In a stunning tour-de-force of experimental climatology, researchers were able to prove that more than 70 percent of the greenhouse gasses contributing to the phenomenon (formerly known as) global warming is hot air emitted by climate scientists on both sides of the debate. The study, published ahead of editorial review, appeared in a publication called “Global Warming for Congressmen,” in an article entitled “Talking Points: What Fossil Fuel Lobbyists Need to Perseverate On.” Dr. Reigna Day, a climatologist with a doctoral degree in hot air emissions, and the lead author of the study explains:
“This figure was arrived at by dividing the area of the earth’s surface that is covered by water by the surface area of the entire earth, and then multiplying by 100 to generate a percentage.”
Critics of the analysis attempted unsuccessfully to disambiguate statistical analysis of greenhouse gasses from the statistical analysis of the surface area of the Earth that is covered by water. For their part, and on the other side of the debate, climate scientists hotly defended the statistical relationship relating greenhouse gasses to the Earth’s watery surface by explaining that these were statistics.
Public reaction to the latest spate of academic flatulence was lukewarm. Mr. John Q. Public gave a personal opinion in an interview, 20 seconds of which were considered inflammatory enough to be endlessly looped on all the major news channels. Most of the major news publications picked up on the “hot” story, except for, notably, the New York Post, which featured an article on Paul McCartney on the front page with a headline that included a pun so rank that this author is reluctant to quote it. Bill O’Reilly coolly dismissed the report, claiming that the authors needed to “shut up.” Rush Limbaugh took a pause from making sexist commentary comparing Hilary Clinton to Hitler for long enough to note that the debate over global warming was “hot” enough to hit it – his audience expressed a mixed reaction to this clever double entendre by being confused.
On Capitol Hill members of the House of Representatives were found to be blowing off steam after being publically excoriated for their latest attempts to change the name of the Redskins football franchise. The House Representatives who were interviewed for this article denied reading about this landmark study, excusing themselves on the basis of the fact that most of them are unable to read. In the Senate, Majority Leader Harry Reid got hot under the collar when the statistical analysis of global warming was mentioned, claiming that the Senate chambers had a hot air problem of its own, and accusing congressional Republicans of blocking measures to counteract the problem by refusing to fund sensible climate control measures such as installation of modern air conditioning technology in the aging Hall of Congress. Tea party GOP members gave the study a chilly reception by filibustering discussion of gun control, and accusing congressional Democrats of being “off-topic.”
President Obama, confronted on this important analysis during a press conference on the Syrian uprising, coldly directed the reporter’s attention towards the WhiteHouse.com webpage, where several specific measures undertaken by his administration to combat global warming are described in excruciating detail, and suggested that the questioner “google it.”
All in all, the topic of global warming is not going anywhere but, as academics are quick to point out, hot air rises. One prominent atmospheric scientist has suggested that this suggests that temperatures at the North Pole should begin to show a significant increase, sparking an outcry from Animal Rights groups calling for protection for homeless Polar Bears. The researchers who authored today’s study are seeking funding for further studies to determine if further studies are worthy of funding.
Satire by Laura Prendergast