John Boehner Cried During The Lego Movie (Satire)

boehnerSpeaker John Boehner has cried in public countless times, but his most recent outburst came under the dim lights at The White House Family Theater during a screening of The Lego Movie over the weekend. Boehner held a press conference on Monday to discuss the critically acclaimed animated feature, during which he used words such as “emotional,” “ground-breaking,” and “kick-ass.” When asked about immigration reform, Boehner broke into “Everything is Awesome,” the catchy tune that runs throughout the film.

The Lego Movie has been a smashing success since opening on Feb. 7. The film boasts an impressive cast, led by Chris Pratt, who lends his voice to Emmet, a dull but satisfied construction worker who leads an ordinary life, until he is mistakenly identified as “the Special” and finds himself on the adventure of a lifetime while caught up in a battle against the evil President Business, voiced by Will Ferrell.

In attendance at the screening were President Obama and the First Lady, their daughters, Malia and Natasha, Vice-President Biden, two of his grandchildren, a group from The Boys and Girls Club of Greater Washington, and Boehner, who snuck in after the previews. No one knew Boehner had entered the theater until they heard sobbing during the first rendition of “Everything is Awesome,” which occurs roughly five minutes into the film.

As The Lego Movie progressed, Boehner’s audible crying grew worse and worse to the point where a handful of children from the Boys and Girls Club asked if they could leave, and one young girl asked what was wrong with that man. They were allowed a brief respite from the weeping when Emmet and his gang made a stop at “Cloud Cuckoo Land,” during which Boehner watched in awe. Needless to say, the climax of the film was ruined by varying intervals of shrieks and sobs. After the credits, Boehner asked to watch the film again, alone, but the Secret Service ushered him out of the theater.

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The White House Family Theater, where Boehner is reportedly no longer allowed

When asked to comment on the story, Obama refused, instead changing the topic back to the crisis in Ukraine. However a source inside the Obama administration said that the president despises distractions in the movie theater and will make sure Boehner is never allowed back in. Boehner is the reason there is no popcorn allowed in the White House Movie Theater these days. During the last film Obama watched with Boehner, Gravity, the speaker of the house, recently dubbed “crier in the movies,” was reportedly cackling in the audience and throwing popcorn and Good ‘n Plenty’s at the screen as Sandra Bullock’s character was hurled through outer space, facing one life or death situation after another.

Meanwhile, Boehner cannot shut up about The Lego Movie. He told reporters that it was “probably my most favorite movie of all time.” Boehner stated that his previous favorite was 12 Angry Men, but he insists that the defendant was guilty. “I’m sure with today’s science it would be an open and shut case,” he said.

After almost breaking down over an in-depth discussion on the Good Cop/Bad Cop character, voiced by Liam Neeson, Boehner, after much coaxing from the press on the topic of immigration reform, said, “I’m still working with the President, working with my colleagues in a bipartisan way, and the Congress to move this issue along.”

When asked what he enjoyed most about The Lego Movie, Boehner started crying uncontrollably and said that even though the film had a seemingly anti-capitalistic theme, it “is going to sell a helluva lot of toys.” Reporters then crept away as Boehner rummaged through his briefcase looking for an unused handkerchief.

Satire by David Tulis

Sources:

RogerEbert.com

Washington Post

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