Justin Bieber Makes Headlines! (Satire)

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Misunderstood genius Justin Bieber made TMZ headlines on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday of last week for a variety of reasons ranging from getting arrested to eating Chinese food. Here is a recap of the past week’s events for the Canadian bad boy.

On Sunday, March 2, Bieber was arrested for entering a Catholic church at approximately 10:45 a.m. while intoxicated. He proceeded to hijack the priest’s sermon and announced that he was “bigger than Jesus.” When the priest informed him the whole “bigger than Jesus” thing had been done before, Bieber took off his shirt and started to flex. Police arrived as Bieber was indulging in some body and blood of Christ while the members of the church watched silently and recorded the disturbance on their phones.

On Monday, March 3, Bieber was arrested for punching an elderly woman in the face while attending his regular bingo night. The altercation occurred outside the bingo hall. The woman reportedly approached Bieber to get a picture for her granddaughter. Sensing a threat, Bieber took of his shirt and punched the woman. He flexed and high-fived his bodyguards until police arrived. The granddaughter was upset that the woman did not at least manage to get a picture of Bieber in handcuffs.

On Tuesday, March 4, Bieber did not get arrested but still managed to make headlines when he went bird watching. In light of Bieber’s recent trouble with eggs, the tour guide told Bieber to stay away from any nests they come across. Bieber then took his shirt off and started to flex, but did not attack the tour guide. The tour guide told TMZ that he did not feel threatened. TMZ captured some long distance photos of Bieber bird watching.

On Wednesday, March 5, Bieber was arrested for driving a golf cart under the influence. Bieber reportedly drove the golf cart into the dining area of the clubhouse. Bieber’s bodyguards tried convincing the police that with the pop star’s short frame, his feet could not reach the break pedal. But police arrested him when the 20-year-old went behind the club’s bar to make himself a drink. As per club rules, Bieber kept his shirt on, according to pictures taken by everyone in the clubhouse.

On Thursday, March 6, Bieber made headlines when he ate at a Chinese restaurant. That’s it. That’s news. Though he was eating with his shirt off. TMZ photographers were on the scene.

On Friday, March 7, Bieber was arrested twice. The first arrest of the day came in the early afternoon when he was caught trying to steal a homeless man’s cardboard box and the second arrest occurred after Bieber went back shirtless and burned the cardboard box to the ground. The feud reportedly originated when the homeless man asked Bieber for change and referred to him as “Miss.” Video evidence of the incident was recorded on the homeless man’s cell phone.

On Saturday, March 8, Bieber was not arrested but was told to leave a McDonald’s after the singer complained about his happy meal toy and threatened to start a food fight. Bieber posted a snapshot of the unwanted toy on his Instagram account with the hashtag “sucks.” There was no word on what level of disrobement the singer reached.

CNN broke coverage on the Ukraine crisis on Sunday to run a poll asking if viewers never wanted to hear about Justin Bieber again and the overwhelming majority said “Never say never.” That is the Justin Bieber headline of the day.

Satire by David Tulis

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