Police are searching for music sensation Justin Bieber in connection with the arrest of a a man for illegally touching a woman while masquerading as a Walmart employee. The man presented himself as a shoe department employee, and a podiatry (the medical treatment of the foot) student. 31 Year-old Michael Brown was taken into custody on Friday morning after a brief manhunt. Authorities stated on Friday that they are seeking Bieber is the second suspected toe sucker.
“We believe the suspect is heading toward Winston-Salem, home of the Hanesbrands, Inc., parent company of L’eggs brand pantyhose,” Lieutenant Jones, spokesperson for the North Carolina State Bureau of Investigation (SBI), stated during a press conference. The spokesman went on to state that the Canadian musician and cultural icon is a known foot fetishist, and that he may try to “kidnap” the stocking manufacturer’s mannequins.
Jones did not specify how Bieber first became acquainted with Brown, but did relay some detail of their emails to one another. “It appears,” said the spokesman, “that the two men emailed advice back and forth about how to better enjoy the taste of another person’s toes.” According to police reports, the two men were both members of the semi-underground organization “Toes Anonymous,” suggesting that there had been some attempt to kick the habit.
When asked if Bieber’s occasional girlfriend, Selena Gomez, is a suspect, the officer replied that she was not; “We interviewed Ms. Gomez, but she ceased to be a person of interest afterward.” When asked if he could elaborate, Jones stated that Ms. Gomez was herself upset when she discovered that her former boyfriend’s foot-fetish reached as far as sucking his own toes when he thought no one was around.
Lieutenant Jones discussed a search of the pop star’s private residence, and reported finding a book entitled The Joy of Sex (With Feet!). Bieber is listed as a co-author along with known foot fetishist and avid toe sucker, Quentin Tarantino. When asked if anything else was discovered during the search of the pop star’s residence, the officer mentioned an odd number of socks missing the toes, suggesting the Bieber’s interest in “easy access.” In a twist of irony, the book is reportedly second most sought after paper back currently sold in Walmart’s book section. Tarantino’s unauthorized biography, When Movie Guns Shoot Blanks is first on the list.
Working with Interpol and FBI, SBI released some further detail into the singer’s foot fetish. While performing with British “Boy Band,” One Direction, Bieber had apparently shared some of his secrets with fellow performer, and One Direction member, Niall Horan. When rooming together at London’s The Savoy Hotel, Horan woke up to the feel of someone “suckling my big toe, and making long soft moans while doing it,” The British performer claimed that he started to stir, the shape ran from the room; when a missing Bieber sauntered back into the room later, he denied knowing anything, but Horan stated that he noticed his roommate seemed “flushed,” and would not look him in the eye for a period of time.
the Walmart store managers first alerted the authorities to Bieber’s possible toe-prowling when Brown’s first victim mentioned seeing someone bearing an uncanny resemblance to the Canadian performer, who was immediately sought for questioning. “The second I felt Michael (Brown) sucking my toes I heard someone in the next aisle singing ‘Never Let You Go.’”
Satire by Ian Erickson