Pinterest got hacked, everyone knows that. What people do not know is that all those pictures of derrieres and backsides pose a serious threat to weddings everywhere. With every wedding board that gets violated by fannies, the danger rises. Unsuspecting brides could arrive at their wedding and find it covered in paraphernalia of bottoms. This Pinterest hack could seriously ruin weddings with butts.
Wedding boards are popular for prospective brides. They post dress pictures, table setting dreams, location possibilities, and honeymoon options by the hundreds. But the hack has made that dangerous as, all of a sudden on their board labeled “Most Fantastic Wedding Evar,” are some of the most fantastically hacked pictures of bums “evar.”
The wedding planners who have been directed to look at the Pinterest postings as they go about their work will no doubt be confused at the sudden appearance of what looks like a rear-end fetish. But who are they to judge? After all, Kim Kardashian got married with a gigantic rhinestone cross in the background of one of her weddings. There are people who get married wearing camouflage wedding dresses and shoot turkeys as the after dinner entertainment. Wedding planners have seen it all, so they will not be phased to see the inclusion of butt options in their bride’s desires.
The long-awaited wedding day dawns and the unsuspecting bride gets ready in a flurry of nerves, second thoughts, and hyperventilating excitement. She reaches the chosen venue and prepares to walk down the aisle. As she comes into the view of every single one of her guests and her impending life partner, the music comes on. It is Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot. Stunned and confused, she at first believes it to be a simple DJ snafu, but as the music continues and everyone begins to look distinctly uncomfortable with the situation, the bride composes herself and begins the now awkward walk down the aisle to her groom. Someday this will be a hilarious story to tell the children. Little does she know that the Pinterest hack with its nefarious butts is going to ruin her entire wedding day.
The wedding goes off without any hitch except the one the bride and groom pledge to each other. Now it is time for the reception, carefully planned on a Pinterest board with the moniker “Ultimate Reception Party Heck-z Yeah-z!!” The bride is looking forward to a fantastic time, an absolute blow-out of a party. On arriving at the reception, her amazement is so overwhelming that the groom nearly becomes a widower on his wedding day because of a spontaneous heart attack.
The reception hall is littered with butts. The place cards are butt-shaped. There is a booth with the sign “Best Wedding Butt” set up with a photographer looking unamused and completely uninterested in his unusual photography subjects. Fat Bottomed Girls is already playing at the DJ station. Guests are laughing and shaking their booties on the dance floor, encouraged by a sign that says “Milkshake Zone” over the hardwood.
The bride’s parents are aghast, but their indignation is unparalleled by that of the bride who is berating the wedding planner over the travesty of gluteus maximus. The wedding planner, finally starting to panic a little over the butts, shows the bride the Pinterest boards she had to work from. There are even more butts online than there are at the reception. The wedding planner was actually rather restrained with the amount of glutes she used in the wedding.
Instead of being thankful, however, the bride is more irate than ever. She launches herself at the wedding planner and they tussle on the floor while everyone snaps pictures of the excitement. One person actually gets a picture of the bride’s butt flagrantly exposed by a header over a table. That picture will eventually become the cover of a gag-wedding book that the bride is given for Christmas from the brother-in-law she will then hate forever. The wedding is not the only thing to be ruined. A family relationship built on love and mutual trust will also be ruined on that fateful day.
No one should underestimate the seriousness of this butt-loving hack. There are many people with serious wedding planning going who are using the site to bring all their ideas for the perfect wedding day together. One simple hack job on Pinterest could ruin a wedding with butts at any time. Brides must stay alert so that their wedding does not become a celebration of bootylicious-ness without their consent.
Satire By Lydia Webb