A 15-inch rat, inevitably dubbed “Ratzilla” by almost every media publication in the world (including this one) has been found in the kitchen of a Swedish family in Stockholm. As well as having a surname that defies numerous English grammar rules, the Bengtsson-Korsas’s also realized they were playing host to a cat-sized rodent that had wandered into the family’s home without so much as a phone call ahead or a bottle of wine upon arrival. Ratzilla’s reign of terror lasted for two days before the situation could be resolved.
It sounds like something out of a science fiction monster film, but despite its shamefully commercial name, the petrifying story of Ratzilla comes straight from real life. A beast of epic proportions, its measurement of 15 inches (three inches more than a 12-inch ruler) only takes into account the distance from its nose to the beginning of its tail, because apparently in Sweden the term “body-length” doesn’t actually refer to the length of your entire body.
Clearly with a taste for the theatrics, Ratzilla gnawed its way Shawshank Redemption-style through a concrete slab to form a tunnel, then finally fighting past a wooden panel to gain access into the residence. It is unclear whether he placed a poster of Raquel Welch over the entrance of the tunnel to hide his progress from a short-tempered prison officer, although experts doubt the theory.
Father of the affected household Erik Bengtsson-Korsas couldn’t understand why their cat refused to enter the kitchen, at this point unaware that the Devil’s own house pet was lurking in the shadows. In fact, it was only when he came to take out the trash that Ratzilla became apparent, choosing this moment to unleash terror on the Swedish family. Mustering up all the courage the world has come to expect from Scandinavian gentlemen, Erik jumped straight onto the kitchen table to save himself and left his wife and two children to fend off the creature. This is when his boundless bravery stepped up a notch, as he daringly picked up the phone and called an exterminator to deal with the problem.
Just like an episode of Tom and Jerry, pest controllers placed industry-sized rat traps around the home in an attempt to add more humor to the already funhouse-like atmosphere that had formed for the Bengtsson-Korsas’s. Predictably for the seemingly luckless family, Ratzilla did become ensnared in one of the rodent guillotines only to continue waltzing around the place, parading the metal contraption lining his neck like a solid gold bling chain.
Unfortunately for people who rejoice in the amusing difficulties of others, this is where the road ended for James Cornelius “Ratzilla” Higginson. During a routine checkout from his newly acquired Stockholm hotel, he became wedged underneath a wooden plant pot and choked to death in the proceeding struggle. A memorial service date has not yet been set but it is understood that none of the Bengtsson-Korsas’s will be attending.
Erik Bengtsson-Korsas did however remark that Ratzilla was “the biggest rat [he had] ever seen”, confirming the hypothesis that the 15-inch rodent that caused untold terror to an innocent Swedish family was in fact, larger than average.
Satire by Zachary John