The recent decision made by authorities in Turkey to ban Twitter appears to be causing an Angry Bird opposition movement to move into revolution mode, a local informant reports. The birds seem to have had it, as what was left of their often belittled freedom of speech has now been demolished. With no permission to tweet and the design of their wings not particularly optimal for writing nor typing, the birds have been left completely and utterly without any means of communication whatsoever.
Further, the birds also appear to be outraged by the lack of response to the decision from animal rights activist groups, as they, according to a spokesman of the birds in Greece, appear to be more preoccupied with saving whales than directing their attention and effort to the situation, which ideally should be of the utmost importance. The spokesman linked the following statement to his Twitter page:
The whales are clearly faking it, and have been for decades! There are enormous populations of whales hiding in the deep oceans worldwide fully equipped with camouflage, Kevlar, weapons of mass destruction and of course, stealth technology, while their front line is playing a manipulative game of looking cute, innocent and endangered. The problems that birds are facing is that they’re all visible as they populate the same environment as humans. Also, birds are often overlooked due to their tendency to fly in large packs, but when you’re of that size, it’s a defense mechanism, a problem the Blue Whale is highly unlikely to face.
When confronted on these accusations, Deep Sea Plumper, a spokesman for the Radical Whale Self-Defense movement currently held captive at Sea World refers to his conditions in captivity, as those of several other fellow whales who share his fate, saying “look at this, this is our reality, and you’re going to leave us for a flock of sea gulls?” To many a heart among animal rights activists, the intensity of his statement seemed to reflect a bigger cause than that of the Twitter ban in Turkey, thus an Angry Bird revolution might very well be a reality in near future.
Some experts on animal politics have predicted a massive migration of refugee birds to settle on the floating island of Crimea, which till recently used to be a peninsula. They further state that it’s quite possible that the birds will consider the potential suicide mission a better choice than living without expression, as they would be at risk of getting caught in the line of fire as Russians and Ukrainians sort out their differences with military power on the northern shores of the Black Sea.
A US governor is rumored to have suggested a mass adoption of turkeys as it could be a potential benefit for the holiday season later in the year, but those rumors were silenced before his name was identified as his advisers are said to have informed him that there are no turkeys in Turkey, simply other “lesser” birds, a remark that seems to further fuel the Angry Bird revolution as it added insult to injury in the already flammable situation following the Twitter ban.
Satire by Halldor Fannar Sigurgeirsson
Guardian Liberty Voice (Crimea Satire)