Russian President Vladimir Putin is the 2014 winner of the Nobel Prize in Unprecedented Hospitality, known unofficially as the “Nobel Prize in Mr. Nice Guy.” The Russian leader cemented the win when he surprised the world with three sudden changes in personal and national policy. The recipients of his new-found affection include gay Russians, the citizens of Ukraine, and tycoons whose own wealth and power previously offended him.
The first dynamic move came soon after the closing ceremony of the Sochi Olympics. Hoping to show that accusations of homophobia were absolutely false, Putin revealed his prized collection of gay porn during last week’s press conference. The Russian president told the reporters that his collection includes over 40 hours of “good wholesome homoerotic fun.” He also reminisced about some of the handsome lads he “tutored” during his career with the KGB. When asked if he ever tried to “cop a feel” from one of his Judo partners, the president simply grinned and looked down. He said that openness and tolerance are the words for moving forward.
The second maneuver that earned Putin admiration from the prize authorities was his staunch insistence of solidarity with the Ukrainian people. During the press conference, Putin showed a photograph of him placing a flower into the canon of a Russian tank located in the Crimea as a protest. A reporter for the Associated Press stated that the picture looked like an altered version of a Chinese protester facing down a government tank after the 1989 Tiananmen Square Massacre. Putin’s press secretary, Ivana Tobeabich, stated that such claims are really just slander by a jilted former male suitor while the president was stationed in East Berlin.
The guests of honor to present the winner with the Nobel Prize in Mr. Nice Guy are fellow Russian tycoons, Roman Abromovich and Mikhail Khodorkovsky. The former is the current owner of London Soccer team Chelsea Football Club. The latter is an oil businessman who spent time in prison for fraud and tax evasion. Abramovich pursued Vladimir Putin’s friendship when the president offered a discount on soccer balls made in Russian state prisons. Meanwhile, Khodorovsky’s incarceration remains shrouded in mystery. Some say it results from a lover’s quarrel between he and Putin when both men were cutting their professional teeth during the Soviet era’s sunset. Neither party has confirmed or denied the claim. However, an aide who insisted on anonymity, suggested the media pay attention to the facial expressions during the ceremony. Specifically she said, when the two men exchange the traditional Russian cheek kiss as the award is presented.
The “Nobel Prize in Unprecedented Hospitality,” colloquially known as the “Nobel Prize in Mr. Nice Guy,” is the newest award to join the prestigious list of Nobel prizes. King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden announced that he got the idea while closely inspecting the running exhaust pipe of his vintage Volvo PV444. “I felt like I was floating,” the King said “I always get my great ideas while toking up some quality car exhaust.”
After having won the newest Nobel Prize, Vladimir Putin hopes to show the world that he really is a “Mr. Nice Guy.” After the press conference, a 12 year-old boy asked if he really considers himself nice. The president answered “Yes, but people don’t always understand because I am a different kind of nice guy; I have a special place in Moscow for showing how nice I am to those who just don’t understand.”
Satire by Ian Erickson