Now that 99.9 percent of the scientific community has determined global warming is a proven fact, true believers must lead by example. A new lifestyle must be adopted to convert nonbelievers.
Who are the nonbelievers? They are dittoheads who follow Rush Limbaugh. Instead of making Mr. Limbaugh a martyr by arresting him for spreading misguided beliefs, true believers must understand the position of him and his dittoheads when they deny the existence of man-made global warming. Limbaugh and his ilk cite humanity’s short existence on the planet as their primary evidence. Nonbelievers contend there have been warmer and cooler periods before the Industrial Revolution.
The nonbelievers contend the earth has not significantly warmed since 1998. They point out alarmist predictions from the 1980’s saying the prevention of global warming will become too late 20 years hence. Nonbelievers accuse scientists and meteorologists of not being able to forecast accurate weather patterns ten days in advance, yet alone a hundred years in the future. Anytime it snows in late March or early September, Mr. Limbaugh and his dittoheads offer, “See, I told you so,” looks and disparaging commentaries.
They blame current and previous volcanic eruptions as the primary reason for any global warming. How can they contend that volcanic carbon emissions cause global warming when 99.9 percent of the scientific community has determined man is the culprit?
Mr. Limbaugh and the dittoheads point out emails from East Anglia University. They have read and determined the researchers created fraudulent computer models based on such words found in those correspondences. They further contend that the scientific consensus is impossible. Nonbelievers mock our learned scholars and accuse them of only wanting grant money.
Instead of insulting Mr. Limbaugh and his dittoheads by calling them flat-earthers, global warming true believers must rise to a higher state of being. By following six simple steps, nonbelievers might follow the righteous path and ask for forgiveness. The way to win conversions is by example.
First, all true believers must cast away their cars. Cars are evil. That includes the coal burning electric ones. Their engines belch out smog and contribute to global warming. Just look, if at all possible, at Los Angeles, Paris, or any other metropolis. City dwellers are dying from car exhausts emissions.
Global warming true believers must also avoid all public transportation. Buses require evil fossil fuels. Trains are worse. They use electricity deriving from coal burning plants. Instead, the true believers should live within walking distance of work, shopping and all entertainment. Besides this, too many people are obese and when true believers walk, they shall lose weight and reduce their carbon footprint.
True believers must purchase bicycles and use them in all sorts of weather. Walking or riding during rain and snow storms demonstrates a true believer’s devotion to preventing man-made global warming. It can be thought of as performing a penance.
Second, cease all travel that is not within walking or bicycling distance. Boats and aircraft consume fossil fuel and remember, burning fossil fuel causes global warming. Man-made global warming is evil so turn to the internet instead to see and explore far off destinations. Download movies. Let local outdoor community activities provide entertainment for the true believer.
Third, household power must come from stationary bicycles. These bicycles could be in the home to provide greater family bonding or could be at a place of employment where hundreds of true believers peddle together to power generators. Sure there is solar and wind power, but bicycle generated electricity provides a greater sense of togetherness.
Fourth, since 99.9 percent of the scientific community has determined that global warming is a proven fact, the leadership of the nation must be part of solution. President Obama must cast away his motorcades and the use of Air Force One. Let him walk or bicycle to his destinations. National and foreign affairs can be conducted over the internet with the use of Skype or WebEx. Cabinet members and staff members must live a similar lifestyle. True believers in Congress must stop their worldwide junkets. They can live in their districts and conduct congressional duties over the internet as well.
Fifth, Hollywood’s elite must also follow the path of true believers. With advances in technology, movie characters and settings can be digitized. Think of all the fossil fuel saved by not having to film on location. There would be no need for high priced actors and actresses, just voiceover specialists working from home studios. Thespians can take to the stage, their performances recorded and whisked across the internet to adoring audiences.
Finally, massive Hollywood estates and the homes of limousine liberals must be vacated in favor of the homeless. Why? Because it is not fair for true believers have big homes while the homeless do not. The carbon footprint of true believers will be reduced with smaller accommodations. True believers will have no need for private jets or yachts. Such items belong to a less progressive age.
When Mr. Limbaugh and his nonbelievers witness reduced traffic congestion, they will wonder what happened. Why has it become faster to commute from the suburbs to work? They will find it strange whenever they arrive at airports, bus stations, and port terminals to find ample seating. True believers leading by example will have nonbelievers feeling guilty for driving cars, living in large houses and using other modes of wasteful transportation from a bygone era.
The paradise on earth established by true believers will take time and some nonbelievers will never believe. Instead of arresting, mocking, ridiculing, shunning, or displaying acts of violence, true believers need to show the unfaithful a better way of living. If not for them and the planet, do it for the children.
True believers must have some skin in the game so they can convene the nonbelievers. When 99.9 percent of the scientific community has determined that global warming as a proven fact, a global warming true believer who refuses to lead by example should be forever labeled a hypocrite.
Satire By Brian T. Yates