The original Captain Kirk, William Shatner, has recently been honored by NASA, which is good for fanboys and fangirls everywhere. No doubt it was a bit of a professional comic convention appearance for him as he signed autographs asked for by real space explorers who work without a script or green screen. But while the American space exploration institute (which has a history of launching human beings off the face of the earth) is providing a handy distraction for William Shatner’s nefarious plans, the man himself is simultaneously writing a sci-fi novel and taking over the world one… dramatically… ellipsed… sentence… at a time.
There may be many people who doubt that has the chops to take over the world. Nevertheless, his career must be examined. Captain Kirk, T.J. Hooker, Boston Legal, a string of spoken renditions of popular songs delivered in his signature… lengthened… cadence, not to mention a one man comedy show. That show is about to be in movie theaters as a recorded version, but it is this show that offers the first piece of evidence that William Shatner is taking over the world. Shatner’s World… We Just Live In It – that is the title of his one man show. Already he has taken over live theater with it and now he is branching out to movie theaters.
The famed actor has already made his intentions known to the world. Already he styles himself as owning the world and graciously allowing everyone else to continue existing in it. To be frank, Shatner could probably sit in on anyone’s life as an understudy and still be cast perfectly. One can only imagine him as a female doctor in high heels delivering test results to a male patient in to check his prostate. “You are… definitely… pregnant.” Normally, the patient would be seriously angered at this embarrassing snafu, but this is Shatner talking and the male patient would have no choice but to respond with, “When am I due?”
Indeed, Shatner is beloved by many all over the world, except perhaps Bill O’Reilly. On a radio show, Shatner claimed that Hillary Clinton would be a good president due to the fact that she has a unitive effect on people. Her leadership skills were what he was referring to, but Bill O’Reilly thought that was just the stupidest thing he ever heard. So he called Shatner a pinhead. Not really the best idea to insult the man who is about to control the entire world. And write a science fiction novel, too.
The beloved former captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise took to Twitter to respond. In his attempt to set up his Google calendar for the rest of the week, he tweeted at The O’Reilly Factor in order to clarify the duties of being a pinhead. He reasonably asked if there was a dinner to attend in order to recognize his latest honor or a plaque commemorating it and reasonably offered to send Bill O’Reilly his address to receive such an award. That is no big deal for a man who basically owns Twitter.
Shatner’s twitter account has 1.8 million followers, which falls short of putting him in the Top 100. It might be reasonable to think that the future leader of Earth should have far more followers than a paltry less than two million. After all, Barack Obama has nearly 43 million followers and he is only the leader of one free country on the planet. But Shatner has a strategy. He knows that the best way to gain more devotees is to appeal to the television fans among the populace. He now livetweets various CW shows, including The 100, The Tomorrow People, and the rabid-fan-creating show Supernatural. Shatner may say that he enjoys drawing attention to young actors and sci-fi shows as a fitting nod to his own career, which was launched by a sci-fi show. But no matter what his stated intentions may be, there can be no doubt that he is slowly gathering more disciples as he plans to completely take over the world… which people just live in.
Every cult leader needs a text for his followers to read, quote, and misinterpret. So he is about to provide that. Currently, Shatner is working on a sci-fi novel (in between plots to take over the world), though he has been quiet about the details. Nevertheless, he has given at least one hint to his plot (this time a literary plot, not a world domination plot) by bringing up alien abduction. He told Larry King that extraterrestrial life is one of the conclusions of “mathematics.” The space traveler is vocal about his beliefs in extraterrestrial life and his reference to that might provide a key to what his book is about.
Now, whenever a mere human mortal tries to take over the world the question must necessarily be, “Why?” Shatner is methodically tying up theater, movies, television, Twitter, and literature, as well as NASA. There is certainly a plan behind all this, but it is of such a large scale that no human being of average intellect and above-average… comedic… timing could have come up with it by himself. Is Shatner’s new book really science fiction? Or is it a message from… elsewhere? Humanity may never know. Rational people will probably think that there is no world domination in the works, merely the decades long, prodigious career of a man who has used his talents to entertain both audiences and himself and inspire at least some of the current NASA employees to “boldly go.” Still, a compelling case can be made for the theory that William Shatner, as he writes a sci-fi novel, is taking over the world. Or perhaps… it is all… just… a joke.
Satire By Lydia Webb