A blog post recently appeared in Huffington Post titled The Problem With ‘Waiting For Marriage’ and I am here to say, there is no problem with waiting for marriage. The author of the post, Mandy Velez, spoke of attending a “sex-positive event” on her college campus. She said that was the moment she decided she wanted to lose her virginity.
I can tell you about the exact moment I decided I wanted to lose my virginity, however, I’m not one to kiss and tell, so I would rather keep that private. I will tell you I am a firm believer in waiting until you are married.
Young adults today grow up hearing messages like the one from Mandy Velez. Messages that say there is no shame in not waiting, that having sex before your married should just be looked at as another aspect of your life. That sex is something that was rewarding for her with her then-boyfriend when she was twenty-something. You know what? Waiting to have sex can be even more rewarding. And that is what our young adults need to know.
Sex is serious business. Most people who say there is no need to wait cite those of us who do say we should wait as religious fanatics, so let’s go ahead and leave religion out of it for now. Let’s just talk about the basics.
Sex gives you the power to be a co-creator with another individual. A co-creator. Think about that for a minute. What else gives you the power to create another human being? Another little person, who will grow up and have their own personality, but be a mix of you and your partner? A baby requires a lot from you, in fact, I am writing this on a Friday night sitting in a squished toddler bed with my two-year-old who is currently saying she wants to see her Uncle Jimmy, singing ‘No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed’ and beeping like a car, simultaneously. You know what I want to be doing right now? Eating ice cream and watching Anchorman 2, which I couldn’t finish last night because my five-year-old woke up and wanted to discuss the philosophies of preschool with me in the middle of the night. Then my three-year-old woke up screaming about wanting a drink from his specific Ninja Turtles cup, which had to first be washed before he could drink out of it. But that’s okay. I can handle all of this, because I want this, and I want this with my husband. I couldn’t have handled all of this in my twenties with some guy I slept with just because I had decided I wanted to lose my virginity.
Mandy Velez also spoke of how the “waiting for marriage agenda” especially hurts women because it demands of them pureness and puts all of the responsibility on them. Where does “wait until your married” say it is for women only? No way sister, this message is for our boys too. You know how my night’s going…you want to hear about how Kelly, my husband’s, night went a few weeks ago? He got thrown up on, multiple times, by a three-year-old. There is a two-year-old who adores him and follows him everywhere screaming “my Kelly” and insisting to be held every second he is home. And there is a five-going-on-sixteen-year-old who demands his attention at all times, meaning that he has learned to carry on multiple conversations about “this little piggy” and riding bikes, and why we couldn’t catch a leprechaun all at the same time. And you know what else? He loves it. Would he have loved it as a twenty-something with some girl who he had wanted to lose his virginity with? Probably not. But this is real life. This is parenting. And this is what comes from having sex.
Sex is not something to be taken lightly. I personally believe that sex is something that is best when shared with someone who you share a marriage commitment with, and I feel like this message that there is no problem with waiting for marriage is valid and deserves as much attention as the message not to wait gets. The guy I always thought I was going to marry, the guy who I would have lost my virginity to if I had not made a decision to wait, he isn’t the guy I married. Not only is he not the guy I married, he isn’t the guy I thought he was, and he isn’t someone who deserved to have sex with me.
So here’s the secret. Here is what waiting for marriage is all about. Sex is commitment. Mandy Velez said “Because deciding to have sex and getting married are two different things. Sex is an aspect of marriage, but you also need love, commitment and trust.” Call me old-fashioned, but don’t you want love, commitment and trust with your sexual partner as well? Those adjectives are for marriage, and they are for sexual relationships as well. They clearly show how marriage and sex are meant to be enjoyed together.
So here is my message to all young people, girls and boys, are you ready? Listen up. It’s okay to wait. There is no problem with waiting for marriage. I think that if you stand up for yourself and say you choose to wait, you are making a brave and bold choice. I commend you for it. I applaud you for saying, “I know what I want, and I want to wait.” I more than applaud you, I give you a freaking standing ovation! And when you hear all these messages of people who didn’t wait, it may seem like you are the only person in the world who is choosing to wait. But you aren’t. There are plenty of people who are choosing to wait for marriage before having sex. There is nothing wrong with you if you choose to be one of them.
This is not to say that everyone who has sex before marriage is a horrible person who is not “pure.” Having sex before marriage does not mean you lose your worth. Having sex before marriage does not mean that you won’t have a successful marriage. You do not deserve less if you do not wait. There is nothing wrong with you if you do not wait, and you are still amazing, and wonderful. You are still special, and your sexual relationships are your business. You can make you own choices without being judged or looked down on. I have some amazing friends who have decided to not wait, and that is their right and their choice. I don’t love them any less for their decision. In fact, I don’t even think about their decision unless the topic comes up. My problem lies with people who make the choice to wait for marriage to have sex seem like a ridiculous and horrible idea. This is just saying, stop trying to make it difficult for those who want to wait! Stop looking at those who make this choice as “religious fanatics” or “naive” or “sheltered” or whatever adjective you feel like hurling in this direction. And it’s also saying that sex is a big deal.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Velez mentioned that if she and her current boyfriend get married she can go into marriage knowing what she likes and knowing that she and her boyfriend have a connection based on more than just a sexual need. If you marry someone who you have never had sex with, you will also know that you have a connection with that person that is based more on your relationship than sex, seeing as how, you know, you haven’t even actually had sex with this person. There really is no problem with waiting for marriage. As far as knowing what you like regarding sex, learning that with your spouse is so much more fun than learning that from a variety of lovers.
Editorial by Ashley Campbell