Have you ever been on a Tube service (or “subway” as I’m told many Americans refer to it) and noticed one or more women munching on an egg salad sandwich or chowing down on a KFC Snack Box? The answer to that question is probably yes, but it is highly probable that the activity is so mundane and unexceptional that your subconscious refused to recognise it as an event and therefore immediately checked it off your long-term memory. Well, that need no longer happen thanks to a new website that is currently taking off, subtly titled Women Who Eat On Tubes, a blog that archives amateur pictures taken by the public of, err … women who eat on tubes.
If, like me, you are wondering how this concept could possibly be of such extreme interest, stop it. We all know why this kind of thing fascinates us because we are all human. It is like Miley Cyrus – put her on a demolition site in Clapham Common and nobody would look twice, but take a video of that and plaster it all over the Internet and suddenly you have made a pop star. It is the little voice inside our head that says to us, “You know, someone’s obviously posted that online for a reason. It simply must be entertaining.” If it is not, it is too late anyway. So long as it is not us swinging half-naked on a wrecking ball like a mid-potty training, Bob the Builder-obsessed toddler, or scoffing down a McDonald’s chemical-ridden “beef” burger, we will be fooled into contentedness (yes, it is a word. I looked it up).
But why even start a blog about women who eat on tubes? It is taking off, but is it worth the energy? After spending just under five hours on the site for … research, I’ve concluded that no, it is not. Picture upon picture just shows women at their most unaware, burned by the assumption that every mouthful presents a window of opportunity in which to let their social guard down. Let’s face it – no one looks good when they eat. Brad Pitt is widely considered to be in possession of an attractive physical appearance, but give him a Beef Gordita Supreme from Taco Bell and he looks like a crazed beggar who has just gone apple bobbing in a vat of tomato puree. It seems unfair that we should exploit these moments of aesthetic vulnerability (of which we all suffer) for a cheap laugh, but what is to be done if there are no laws preventing it?
Laugh with them. When I was relentlessly teased at school, mother told me to laugh with my tormentors, thus taking away their faux superiority. The fact that my high-pitched laugh was what had made them mock me in the first place meant that such advice only exacerbated the situation, but in this case I think it would probably work. So ladies, next time you notice an oddball sitting opposite you on the tube, giggling behind the brand new smartphone his mother just bought him, grab the device from between his scrawny fingers and smash it to the ground.
Wait, I am not sure that example really fits the message I am trying to convey. Never mind, either way will work. Let us just hope the Women Who Eat On Tubes site does not provoke a similar blog for men into taking off, because I cannot function at work without my early morning London Underground full-English/sausage roll banquet for one.
Commentary by Zachary John