Politicians That Have Brain Damage Have Higher Success Rate [Satire]

brain damage

If anyone wanted to feel good about the people running their country, recent debates about brain injuries will not make them feel any better. Politicians are notorious for being dishonest, incompetent, and downright stupid on the odd occasion, but could it all be explained by brain damage? Hillary Clinton, who may or may not be running for president, might have had a brain injury judging from a pair of glasses she wore, but after examining the records and histories of many presidents, that might actually be a good thing. In fact, most modern American world leaders have had some form of traumatic brain injury, and they are not the only ones. Just how many world leaders have been so blessed? Many of the good ones, at least. So now when the voters complain about their politicians screwing up the country, they can conveniently say, “I do not have brain damage,” as an excuse.

Hillary Clinton is the most recent person to hint at a run for the presidency, though not without the keen insight of Karl Rove to reveal her startling disability. After the Benghazi scandal, she was spotted back at her job as Secretary of State wearing glasses designed for use by people with “traumatic brain injury.” With such damning evidence being as plain as the nose which supported the glasses on Clinton’s face, it is likely that Clinton will be given her chance to lead the country. After all, she has the brain damage already.

Ironically, Karl Rove is an imperfect source on the subject of head trauma, having suffered none himself. Unlike most high-powered politicians who played sports in high school, a common source of brain trauma, Rove was a superbly uncool nerd. He was on the debate team as well as a member of student government. According to Rove himself, he had a pocket protector in high school, a condition that probably kept him out of those activities that would have resulted in attaining higher office. Perhaps that was why he was only an advisor to the president he once called “intellectually gifted,” rather than being president himself.

Rove was right about one thing. George W. Bush did have an intellectual gift, one that he acquired from playing football. The cowboy president never neglected his physical pursuits. He played football and rugby, and helped his college, Yale, beat its arch rival, Harvard. With that kind of record, no wonder he became president. With all the brain damage he had from playing contact sports, he well-deserved his chance to screw up the country while in office.

American presidents are not the only world leaders to have extensive credentials in brain injury. Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott played rugby at Oxford and was a boxer. As a Rhodes Scholar, no doubt his physical activities helped his studies and made him into the wildly popular and efficient politician he is today, leading Australia into a new era of budgetary providence. Both Prince Harry and Prince William played rugby and have been known to kick a few goals at soccer. John F. Kennedy and Winston Churchill both played contact sports as well, lending the perfect amount of talent and brain damage to their moments in history. Perhaps it was a rugby match that Churchill had in mind when he promised to fight the Nazis anywhere and everywhere.

Still, with the world going rapidly downhill, the question must be asked whether today’s politicians have enough brain damage to truly lead a country. President Obama, who most people likely pegged as a nerd, joked that he had probably had mild concussions when playing sports, but he thought nothing of it. Apparently he should have thought enough to have major concussions. His term in office has not been the best according to many, and that might have been avoided had he endured the hardcore traumas that Bush, Kennedy, and Churchill all share in their background.

With the 2016 Presidential election speculation rising in pitch and frequency, it ought to be remembered that the candidates  with the best chance of winning the nomination are the ones that can prove they have the best credentials; in this case traumatic brain injury. Hillary Clinton is already a leg up (or perhaps it should be glasses up) on the competition after the Benghazi incident. Now it is up to Chris Christie and Marco Rubio to show they have the same chops. If Jeb Bush had the same hobbies his brother did, then he may just end up running against Hillary in 2016. While no one knows for sure who will be on the ballot at the next election, one thing is certain: The politicians who do not have brain damage, based on the history, have the best chance of screwing up the country. No one wants that.

Satire By Lydia Bradbury

Sources:

Miller Center
LA Times
The Huffington Post
NBC News
The Huffington Post
Chicago Now
New Internationalist Magazine
The Courier Mail
The Washington Post

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