Thankfully, the government of the United States of America has a solid plan of action in the case of a zombie apocalypse. A document in the Pentagon’s possession, dated April 30, 2011 covers political plans and strategies just in case the undead were to walk the earth. While the entire document- CONOP 8888- may seem like an antic, it is partially serious. Sources close to the document mention that the plan is an excellent tool for training and provides useful information to utilize against foreign invasion in order to save humans, be it substance, human or even non-living. The details of the document in terms of how to survive an invasion are not released, but there are many other useful sources which provide, in detail, what to do in the case of a zombie invasion.
Many popular movies depicting all sorts of zombies and all sorts of invasions have graced the big screen. Some zombies are terrifyingly fast while others shuffle along at an easily avoidable pace. Whatever the speed of transportation, there is always a conclusive sentiment: A zombie is capable of destroying a human, so they must be avoided at all costs and, if possible, destroyed.
Because a zombie invasion is not impossible according to many sources (including our government), understanding habits and weaknesses of the carnivorous beasts is important in order to survive. Zombies often travel in packs, outnumbering people 2 to 1 in many scenarios. However, according to The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks, knowledge is necessary to defeat the verminous undead, along with a reliable supply of weapons and wit. In the case that fighting is not good enough, fleeing on a motorbike, if one is accessible, is the best option because of their maneuverability and lightweight frame.
For those who feel that dressing head to toe in medieval armor is all that is necessary to survive the event of a zombie invasion, think again. Brooks emphasized that being able to quickly move about and access tight quarters is of utmost importance. Armor will do no good because of its weight; it will slow the wearer down, causing vulnerability and little chance of regaining footing if knocked down. Chain mail, if found, would be a more worthwhile choice because the material is more lightweight, will protect from bites and is more malleable than bulkier armor.
The Pentagon’s plan likely covers the basics, including weapon accessibility, necessary transportation and armor. It is known that the official plan includes many different kinds of zombie outbreaks, including a virus that humans are highly susceptible to in which immunity is found nowhere. Also, the official plan does acknowledge the existence of zombies in the form of chickens. The feathered creatures have been known to dig their way out of the ground after being put in it, dead. The undead chickens continue scratching at and roaming the earth once again.
Thought it may not be comforting to know that the Pentagon acknowledges the threat of a zombie invasion, let it be a comfort that in the case of such disaster there exists plenty of knowledgeable folks, books, movies and television shows to keep the majority of the human race safe. With proper planning and plenty of caution, in the event of a zombie invasion enough people will be just fine.
Satire by Courtney Heitter