John Boehner Has Obama on the Ropes [Satire]

Boehner

John Boehner was born a leader in Ohio. By the time he was 8, he was already working in his grandfather, Andy Boehner’s Bar. Before graduating he was a linebacker on his highschool football team, afterwards he immediately went to fight for his country in 1968. He was Honorably Discharged from the U.S. Navy after serving for 8 weeks. The reason cited was a bad back, presumably carrying the Navy on one’s back takes a toll (or possibly an old football injury). For the few that may not know; Boehner is the was elected speaker of the house unanimously in 2010. Before that, he served as the minority leader for exactly four years after being the majority leader for a year. Since 1995, he has taken less than 26 months off of acting as chairman or leader of at least a committee, in other words, he is the leader Republicans both want and need. Especially now that he has stood up to Obama’s tyranny formally stating that he will indict the democratic president. That said, Obama will be on the ropes… starting next week, John Boehner has to adhere to a mandatory recess first.

As the U.S. National soccer team’s head coach, Jürgen Klinsmann, Boehner seeks out to crush any foreign threat to the U.S. by superior German-American tactics and force, primarily in the case of Hawaiian born Kenyans. No one is fooled by his Nobel Prize; Obama is a scourge on the nation, especially when it comes to the division of power between Executive and Legislative Branches. Obama has shamelessly bragged about ignoring and circumventing the law with “king-like authority,” said Boehner in his memo to the house’s GOP (Grand old Party) population. Using executive orders with “arrogance and incompetence,” like they are some given right each and every president has had access to since George Washington took office.

Obama may have used less than every other president in over a hundred years (including those assassinated or otherwise unable to finish their term). The last president who used less was Benjamin Harrison (who served only one term), but that is beside the point. All of these presidents before have used them to better the nation (primarily those brave republicans) while Obama has been using his orders with malicious intent. His sole intent to diminish the powers of the Legislative Branch with his unilateral assertions of power, slapping the citizens and congress dead in the face. Now that John Boehner has Obama on a rope, he will hang him out to dry, exposing the monster for all to see.

The war veteran cannot stand to see injustice on this tyrannical scale, so he has been fighting for the ric… er… weal… um… -erican people. For that reason, Obama’s treason shall not go unpunished. The American population will avidly support the millions of dollars necessary to sue the president. The fact that he will be out of office by the time the hearing, shows the citizens devotion to send a message to their morally reprehensible leader. Even if citizens do not support the lawsuit, the original birther Donald Trump could bankroll the lawsuit with less than a dent to his bank account. If he did, he might push for impeachment (so he can say “You’re Fired!” himself), however Boehner has stated that he is not pushing for impeachment. Besides, approval ratings have never stopped Boehner before; he is a fighter (eight or 18 weeks at a time). His 53 percent disapproval rating is not what matters; the 28 percent that do approve is who he fights for. When congress disagreed for months on end Boehner did what needed to be done, he shut it down. That paid vacation taught the least productive congress ever how to be less productive.

After all only un-American dictators think that change is good for the country. True Americans understand that America is already perfect. Changes only jeopardized the fragile ecosystem in which those with money make the rules, and the meek lazy fools follow, the way Jesus intended. The dictator president even went so far as to mock the move to indict, by adding, “so sue me” to his speech on Tuesday. Little does he know that the GOP is planning to knock the executive ordering president right out of off… smoke bomb.

The move to sue is not subterfuge, as Nancy Pelosi has said. Playing golf with Obama, that was subterfuge, just gathering information on the enemy. The lawsuit is simply a move to restore America’s previous glory. The first step to achieve that would be a Senate controlled by the Grand Old Pa… -rinciples on which this country was founded on. For the country’s sake, John Boehner has to knock Obama out of off… the rope bridge to communism.

Satire by Eddie Mejia

Sources:
CNN
USA Today
ABC News
PBS News
Fox News
NBC News
Reuters
Gallup Polls
Washington Post

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