Americans Not Drinking Their Fair Share [Satire]

Americans not Drinking Their Fair Share
Amid all the talk of inequality and social justice, the mainstream media has deliberately ignored one of the greatest disparities faced by this nation today; many Americans are just not drinking their fair share.

Credit goes to the Washington Post for shining the light of truth upon this continuing travesty. In an in-depth investigation published Thursday, A fearless Washington, D.C.-based reporter, Christopher Ingraham, has revealed that a sickening thirty percent – which can be calculated as 30% – of Americans are consuming no alcohol whatsoever. Further adding to the country’s growing excess of intoxicating beverages, an additional thirty percent of the adult population refuses to drink an average of even one drink per week.

If you do the math, you’ll discover that this means sixty percent of Americans are not only not drinking their fair share, but are burdening the remaining thirty percent with the task of imbibing all the beer, wine and liquor produced. Sixty percent is almost two-thirds, or sixty out of one hundred, or thirty out of fifty.

Clearly, former Attorney General Eric Holder was correct when he described America as “a nation of cowards.”

Cats are Drinking Their Fair Share
Cats are doing their part

In his cleverly titled 2007 book Paying the Tab, Philip J. Cook – a man – also revealed that just ten percent of Americans consume more than half of all the alcohol, each year; bravely sipping and, often, gulping their way through 74 drinks each week. This averages out to a staggering 10 drinks per day. Ironically, Ingraham’s article is titled “Think you drink a lot? This chart will tell you” and includes a chart that nobody who has had ten drinks would be able to decipher.

Median consumption languishes at three drinks per week. Assuming a seven-day week, this means that, on fours days each week, the vast majority of Americans are not drinking any alcohol at all.

Republican Darrell Issa, who chairs the House Oversight Committee, has called for an inquiry into the matter. The head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE, also known as ATF, because ATFE just sounds silly) is expected to be subpoenaed and has signaled that he will not release any documents relating to his personal consumption.

The Obama regime’s Ministry of Truth has announced plans to begin issuing “Beer Stamps” to the ninety percent of Americans now on welfare. The Truth Minister’s reasoning for his department launching this initiative is simple: “Everyone tells the truth when they’re drunk.”

What is most apparent is that the vast majority of American adults are not doing their part and should be encouraged to drink their fair share. No doubt, consumption inequality has become a serious issue and is probably caused by global warming.

Opinion by Graham J Noble

Sources:

The Washington Post
A Book

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