We are in the midst of a serious vacuum of ideals in our world today. I remember a simpler time, seemingly decades ago, when the institution of marriage and family were held in high esteem. The old days where roles were clearly defined and most honored them. If you’ve watched any television over the past 20 years, the concept of a strong, intelligent male figure has slowly declined. We used to have a representation of men that made us aspire to live a better life. But since the likes of Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, Ray Barone and others, the image of men has gotten goofy and unreliable. Network after network has adopted the model of a bumbling man who lacks respect, even from his wife or family.
This tarnished perception has created a ripple effect throughout society. By removing the worth of men within the confines of television, we have caused a breach of respect that has now seeped into every facet we know. This character assassination has left our children confused, roles are missing and ultimately the pool of qualified men to marry our daughters has been impacted. Without a swift turn around, the confidence of men everywhere is in danger of being at an all-time low.
The Latin word for dismantle is “destruam” which means to take apart piece by piece. To strip or remove coverings or to bring low and level. When you think of it that way, you may ask yourself who in their right mind would want that to someone they call their “man.” The truth may shock you. Most women have no idea they are even doing it!
Fundamentally, there are three key things I have found after years of coaching and counseling that women do to men which can dismantle even the strongest man’s confidence. I want to share these principles in hopes that women everywhere will re-tool their arsenal in order to build up their significant other.
- Do not talk to him like he’s your son and not your equal. I have had more sessions than I can count where a woman will share with me how her mate over reacted to something she said. But when she repeated what was said, even I wanted to get up and walk out of the room. Here’s the deal. Words are powerful. Men may act like your words do not affect us, but they do. When certain things are spoken that question our worth or manhood, it leaves a lasting scar that manifests in a myriad of ways. This is not a pass for men to behave poorly, but I hope it can be a window into the reasons why we sometimes do what we do.
- Do not expose his private struggle publicly. We all have struggles. We all are weak in areas we wish we were not. And for men, it bears to mind the fact that we spend excessive amounts of effort to cover our issues. When we finally open up and become vulnerable to our partners, it can wreak havoc to have those things publicly discussed. Usually in a fit of anger, one person says something in an open setting that is intended to hurt the other. Ladies understand that we see this as a literal betrayal. No man wants to publicly process his issues. He told you in confidence, so when this is used as a weapon, no matter how mad you are, it is very difficult for him to rebound from the pain of it.
- Do not use intimacy as a tool of control. Men are sexual -Period. And it doesn’t take much to get us going either. It’s just the way God created us. So when we have become involved physically with you and you begin to hold “it” ransom in order to produce a response from us, it doesn’t go over well. What you’re doing is attaching conditions of behavior to a very important expression for us. In your mind, you think it is a great way to get what you want or maybe drive us to do something. But trust me, this gets old fast. We begin to see you as a manipulative strategist and eventually our enemy.
I’ve worked with some hurt individuals. What tends to happen in most situations if we don’t get healed in those areas is we perpetuate our hurt feelings onto others. If you have to injure someone you say you care about – do you really care about them? Take this as an open letter from the heart of a man who has been on the receiving end of such treatment. It ain’t fun! When you connect with a caring man, one who has your best interests at heart, the last thing you want to do is dismantle him and send him into the world defenseless. Use your powers to build up a real man and you won’t have to wonder where his loyalty lies.
Written by Early Jackson
(Edited by Cherese Jackson)
The Modern Princess: a 21st Century Guide to Fairy Tale Relationships
Top Image Courtesy of Early Jackson
Inside Image Courtesy of Erich Ferdinand – Flickr License
Featured Image Courtesy of Tiffany – Flickr License