UPDATE: Lindsay Lohan is a Loser, here are 7 reasons why

Los Angeles CA – Okay, stop. Take a deep breath. Now tell me, aren’t you tired of Lindsay Lohan stories? Now I know what you’re saying – why am I writing about her? That’s actually a rhetorical question because you know the reason. If I’m spending any of my valuable time writing about her disappointing life, there’s got to be some money involved.

I said it! I get paid for writing about, perhaps the most leading headline-getter on the planet.

Does that answer your question? I hope so.

Now back to my question, and I’ll put it a little bit differently this time:

Why are you reading about Lindsay Lohan? I mean, what exactly is it about the former Disney star that fascinates you, or maybe not you, but the rest of the world?

I know i’ve got some nerve questioning you, but I had to go there. Why? Because she’s so painful to watch.

I want to root for her. She’s an underdog and I’d truly like to see her win for a change.

But betting on her is like betting on a sure loser – and I don’t like losing.

After months of painstakingly writing about her ups and downs, I’ve come to believe that Lindsay Lohan is a loser.

Here are 7 reasons why I’ve drawn such an unapologetic conclusion:

1) Let’s start with Lohan’s present quagmire.

On Thursday, November 29, 2012, Lohan was arrested for allegedly throwing a punch at Tiffany Eve Mitchell, 28, a psychic card reader from Florida. The incident occurred while the two were partying at the Chelsea “hotspot” Avenue in Manhattan.

Lindsay had been banned from attending the nightclub earlier this year following a run-in she had with Justin Timberlake. The “Liz & Dick” starlet has a notorious habit for showing no respect for authority or rules. Thus, in this countdown of the 7 reasons why I believe Lindsay Lohan is a loser, let’s pen our first point on the obvious disrespect Lohan has for authority. She was banned from the club, yet, she returns night after night as though the club’s decision to bar her from entry was simply a joke.

To be fair, the nightclub bears a certain measure of responsibility…which brings me to my second reason.

2) The actress is surrounded by enablers. People allow her to ignore rules, protocols, and in this case–a ban from Avenue nightclub.

Although Lohan was arrested outside of the club, the police report indicates that the alleged punch happened inside the venue – the very place she’d been barred from entering!

That’s where we get our first glimpse of the people who recklessly continue to enable her careless behavior.

Reportedly, club representatives and owners were happy to say that Lohan was still welcome at their establishment, even after she had been arrested Thursday night for assaulting a club patron.

What happened to club protocol that says when you’re caught fighting inside a trendy nightclub, you’re no longer granted entry into the establishment? In other words, you’re banned. Unless of course you’re Lindsay Lohan.

3) Why did Lohan allegedly attack Ms. Mitchell?  The answer represents the third reason why I believe Lohan is a loser.

Simply put, the actress is spoiled. She has to have what she wants, when she wants it – no matter how trivial and no matter how it’s obtained.

According to the psychic, Lohan was in the club when Mitchell approached her with an offer to simply give the actress a free reading. According to witnesses, Lohan told Mitchell that she’d like to be left alone.

That’s when things took a turn for the worse. Mitchell claims, Lindsay called her a “f**kin* gypsy.”  Mitchell’s friend went ballistic. In the commotion, Lohan allegedly hit Mitchell in the nose and was subsequently arrested for assault.

I know very few winners who use racial slurs. It is mean and it’s terribly condescending.  One thing all losers have in common is that they can’t win when the odds are even. So the first words out of Lohan’s mouth implied that she was better than Mitchell: You’re just a ‘”f**kin*’ gypsy,” so leave me alone.

You can see that element in Lohan with each piece of evidence I use to support my premise. For some reason, she believes she’s better than the rest of us.

4) Lohan not only refused to take responsibility for slugging the fortune teller, she reverted to one of the oldest tricks in the book. She simply denied putting a bruise, as clear as day, on Mitchell’s forehead. To add insult to injury, she told anyone who would listen that she’s the victim.

Now that’s a classic loser move.

Flip the script by denying you pulled out a can of whoop a** on someone. It’s cheating to the tenth degree. But that’s typical of Lindsay, who somehow finds a way to subvert the rules. She has to have it both ways;  “Heads I win, tails you lose.”

5) Mitchell sought professional representation in order to weigh her legal options. The fortune teller was able to retain publicity-loving lawyer Gloria Allred.

So how does Lohan counter the daunting arrival of Allred? She hires a private investigator, a move someone like Larry Flynt might pull to offset an obvious lack of defense! It might be a good strategic move, but, it clearly is an attempt to subvert the law.

But then why not? You’d expect that from a loser.

Without a viable defense, Lindsay has reverted to…. Did you guess? Blackmail. What other reason could she have for hiring a private detective?

TMZ has reported that the P.I. was given a specific assignment: Find out if Mitchell has a criminal past.

6) The sixth reason why Lohan is a loser (in my opinion) has to do with her public abuse of intoxicants. It’s one thing to escape, it’s another altogether when you take others down that (nightmare) road with you.

The website blog.zap2it.com has reported that Lohan is drinking her life away, putting two liters of vodka down the hatch every day.

According to the report, the former child star has been guzzling it down like a pirate for more than two months.

Since alcoholism is clearly considered a disease, the gentler side of me wants to see Lindsay get help…but that’s how this loser gets you.

Lindsay has no scruples.  She easily judges others for behavior she herself regularly engages in. I remember writing a few stories on Amanda Bynes a few months back. You would think that Lohan would sympathize with the beleaguered former child star, especially since they both were practically raised on production sets.

Nevertheless, Lohan bashed Bynes instead of serving her with  much-needed words of wisdom and comfort.  It was during that period that I began to see the actress for what she was becoming.

It’s not easy to avoid Lohan’s deceptive persistence.  It’s the compassion you feel when you’re around someone whose circumstances are clearly less fortunate than your own, which drives you to want to help. But if you fall for that with Lindsay…before you know it – you’ve been had!

Lohan faces new criminal charges in California, which were filed just hours after she was arrested in New York.  Her latest legal troubles could send her back to jail because she is on probation for a necklace-theft conviction.

Her convoluted path through the criminal courts system and her struggle with drugs and alcohol has put Lohan in front of a judge 19 times. She has been to five rehab facilities for a total of 250 days since early 2007.

The problem that keeps the 26-year-old constantly in the news appears to be two-fold:

A: Lohan is her worst enemy.

B: She has enablers everywhere.

You could say that’s the sum of my argument. It certainly is at the very root of why I’ve concluded she’s a loser.

I recognize that not all people who commit crimes are losers, so the fact that she faces some serious charges in L.A. is not critical to my argument. Nevertheless, there is an element within her current legal woes that clearly supports my argument.

In Los Angeles, Lohan faces charges of reckless driving, giving false information to a police officer and obstructing or resisting a police officer in the performance of his duty.

While these charges are all misdemeanors (and would not alone normally result in jail time) the Los Angeles city attorney, who successfully prosecuted the actress for stealing a necklace in 2011, could ask a judge to revoke her probation.

A decision by the Los Angeles city attorney could come as soon as Friday, according to spokesman Frank Mateljan.

While it would likely be several days before the prosecutor gets confirmation of Lohan’s New York arrest, the Santa Monica charges filed Thursday should reach the Los Angeles city attorney’s office sooner.

The Santa Monica charges stem from a car crash last June while Lohan was on her way to the set for the filming of “Liz & Dick,” the Lifetime movie that aired last week.

7) I mention all this to make it easier to grasp the seventh and  final reason I have concluded as to why Lohan is a loser. In this case, the enabler and offender couldn’t stand out any clearer.

Lohan told police officers that her assistant was driving the Porsche when the accident occurred, while witnesses told investigators they saw Lohan behind the wheel. Do you see another enabler here?

It doesn’t matter if it’s civil or legal, Lindsay Lohan has enablers everywhere! Because no one is willing to distinguish right from wrong with Lohan, I’m afraid she will continue to have a page set aside by every tabloid and newspaper that’s  within hearing distance of her daily antics.

I guess that too has in some ways enabled the actress.

I believe that without the enablers, Lohan would have experienced the causes and effects of life – and perhaps might have become a different person. The person that she is today is desperately in need of help with coping and navigating through life’s bumps and turns. You don’t help her by enabling her, you help her by allowing Ms. Lohan to experience the good with the bad – whatever that might be.

Those of you who perhaps believe that all news outlets take part in the enabling of Lindsay Lohan – I’ve got news for you: Not this news outlet (and certainly not this article).

I hope for the day that Lindsay Lohan wakes up.

But until she does, in my opinion, she’s a loser. Plain and simple.

48 Responses to "UPDATE: Lindsay Lohan is a Loser, here are 7 reasons why"

  1. Channing Davis   December 2, 2012 at 7:28 am

    I am not in the least bit a fan of Lindsay Lohan and will not offer her any defense. That said, this is the most poorly written piece of journalis I have seen in a very long time. Case in point – it is not “tenth degree” as the author offers, it is “nth degree”, which means “maximum amount”. The author also misuses grammar, misplaces punctuation and in general constructs poorly written paragraphs.

    Journalism surely has slipped in the name of santionalism. It is sad.

    • Channing Tatum   December 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm

      Channing, you’ve got a little jealousy on your shirt; might wanna wipe that off. Once you do, try to get over the fact that this guy gets paid for what he writes. Lastly, when blowing someone up for their writing deficiencies, you might want to think about looking in a mirror; “journalis” is spelled “journalism” and “santionalism” is spelled “sensationalism”. Food for thought…

      • Channing Davis   December 2, 2012 at 2:12 pm

        Fair enough (regarding the misspellings) – although I was typing away on my iPhone, no one reviews my posts and lastly, and most importantly, no one is paying me to represent their publication. All relevant points.

        The jealousy point I do not get. Am I supposed to be jealous of a juvenile journalist or a mess of a celebrity?

      • guardian   December 2, 2012 at 2:52 pm

        I do appreciate your compassionate intervention.

    • guardian   December 2, 2012 at 2:46 pm

      I think you’ll find the correction up to your liking, I don’t know what I was thinking when I posted it at 3:30 a.m. but *hit happens. Thanks, I need to stay on my game.

  2. val   December 2, 2012 at 6:33 am

    O.K., my thoughts on Lindsay Lohan. I think she needs a time out…… in a prison cell…… for a minimum of three to six months.

  3. possum   December 2, 2012 at 6:28 am

    Good looking loser.

  4. Deb   December 2, 2012 at 6:25 am

    Guardian,your article was very spot on! And Lindsay wants the attention…period…….
    ……I am an alcoholic and I can’t quit reading about her downfall.Thing is.. soon her stories will turn very ugly.Death by abusing “spirits” can be prolonged and horrid.
    Me…28 years sober…always wanting ma gin…One day at a time, Lindsay, it’s worth it!

  5. Mack   December 2, 2012 at 5:54 am

    You get paid to write articles

  6. ddfjamie75   December 2, 2012 at 5:43 am

    It looks like there are a lot of enablers commenting. I agree that you should pray for her, but she could care less about that or how you feel about her. She is so self absorbed, she probably expects people to “love” her… there is no excuse for stealing, intimidation, and violence. Some people have to learn the hard way. I think articles like this should be written as a wake up call. She needs tough love -something she never received. She should be able to follow the same laws everyone else does. I’m sure most criminals would love to be her right now.

  7. kathy   December 2, 2012 at 5:41 am

    This article could have been edited way better. Many grammatical errors throughout.

  8. Jim   December 2, 2012 at 5:36 am

    As with nearly every incedent, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Arent we all subject to some self professed religious fanatic thrusting themselves In our face and making unproven claims? Why shouldnt Mitchel expect a reply like comparing her to a gypsy? What the writer fails to supply is what Mitchel exactly did next. After being told to buzz off, she should have done that. Lohan looks like a looser to me too, but that doesnt make her wrong in this case, until more evidence is in. She may well have went past what is rational, but religions and soothsayers need to not go past what they can prove either, and that is nothing.


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