Facebook Bought Itself


Facebook announced today that it has accidentally bought itself in a cash and restricted stock deal worth more than all the other companies on earth combined. CEO Mark Zuckerberg said to reporters, who would have been at the company’s headquarters if this story were true, “I got carried away is all, it is just fun buying really big things, and what’s bigger than Facebook?”

Zuckerberg founded the social media company while still pretending to be interested in his studies at Harvard University. It has grown to be the largest social media company in the history of the known universe in just over 10 years. In defense of the unorthodox decision – reported earlier in this article as an accident, but which now appears to have been intentional – Zuckerberg pointed out “If the rate of Facebook’s growth over the last 10 years continued for the next 10 years, not only would we never be able to raise the capital to purchase the company, even if we did – theoretically, stay on this with me – even if we did, there wouldn’t be enough room to store all of the money until we negotiated terms that we were satisfied with …” He continued, quietly “… it would just be too big, way too big.”

Facebook is used by millions of people everyday to provide huge amounts of personal information in excruciating detail to their friends, family, local school board officials, librarians, medical insurance firms, retailers, the NSA, Ben & Jerry’s, and some guys hanging out over by the parking lot.

Industry analysts questioned the move, especially in light of the fact that Facebook really already owned itself. “We don’t understand how Facebook is planning to use this acquisition to solidify its hold on the social media space, but maybe it is like a stock buy back or something where instead of stock you just, uh, buy the company. Yeah, that’s it.” said hundreds of sad, young people who wished they had studied something else in college.

This is the first time that Facebook has bought itself, but not the first time it is mentioned in this article. Savvy readers will remember way back at the beginning where the premise was originally established. Others, unfamiliar with self referential tech reporting will wonder if they, too, should have studied something else in college.

Facebook is planning to work very closely with Facebook over the coming months to reassure users that this acquisition won’t change anything about the fundamentals of the services they’ve come to know and depend on, but instead provide them with exactly the same new services from Facebook, as it is integrated with its new parent. Shareholders, too, can be secure in the knowledge that no surprises are expected as the companies merge their operations. “The books are already done, they are the same as the ones in accounting, but now bigger, twice as bigger!” said the CEO, wandering down the hallway with the eyes of a happy child darting to and fro.

Facebook has been on a buying spree of late, having recently acquired Instagram, Gowalla, Eritrea, Denver, WhatsApp, and, most recently, itself.

Satire by Brian Ryer

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