Sharks Wearing Cameras Is Invasion of Privacy [Satire]


According to animal rights activists from around the world, a recent scientific study that has attached wearable cameras onto sharks in order to research their behavior patterns is being referred to as a “massive invasion of their privacy.” The cameras, which were recently retrieved from a team of researchers at the University of Hawaii, led by marine biologist, Carl Meyer, provided a wealth of insight into these creature’s aquatic lives. The footage that can be viewed by anyone with access to the internet and knowledge of how to navigate YouTube, shows the sharks going about their daily lives and in one case, a male shark attempting to pursue a female.

“This is an absolute outrage!” cries one animal rights activist who is fuming about what she calls a massive invasion of privacy. “Here we are, making a big fuss about all the spying that is being done by the NSA into our lives and now we turn around and go do the same thing right back to these poor sharks? Just what kind of hypocrites does this make us?”

Meanwhile, marine biologists are absolutely thrilled by the footage being retrieved from these camera wearing sharks and say that calling it an invasion of their privacy is absolutely absurd. “They are fish, not people,” says one anonymous marine biologist. “Saying that they care about their privacy is like saying tuna or any other aquatic species also cares about their privacy. I mean, we know much more about them than we do about sharks and you do not see them complaining about anything!”

Perhaps that might just be the big issue; when and where is it time to draw the line? As it turns out, the activist’s real concern is that attaching cameras to sharks and watching everything they do is only the beginning of the end. After researchers get bored with spying on sharks, they are only going to want to do the same thing to squids, dolphins and jellyfish. From that point, the cameras will move onto land animals and start capturing the daily activities of koalas and kangaroos. Before anyone knows it, researchers will be attaching cameras right onto people themselves and recording everything they do at every point of the day.

After explaining these concerns during her interview, the animal rights activist quietly said “Wait a minute,” and lowered her Google Glasses down from her face.

Yes, as it turns out, an invasion of privacy into the lives of these poor sharks may only be the starting point into what could actually be a global conspiracy to record every single aspect of every day life of every single sentient creature on the entire planet. “It is not really a stretch when you think about it,” said the activist during the interview. “Ever since the first time Shark Week aired, they have been conditioning us to want to know more about these creatures. Putting cameras on sharks is exactly what they wanted to happen.”

Will sharks wearing cameras turn out to be more than just a simple invasion of privacy as animal rights activists believe and result in a global conspiracy? This Guardian Liberty Voice journalist cannot be sure, but he is going to turn off his web camera just in case.

Satire by Jonathan Holowka

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