Steve Kerr to Coach Two Teams at the Same Time (Satire)

Steve KerrIf Steve Kerr was on the show The Bachelorette, there is no doubt that he would get a rose. The Knicks might use their rose to pick Kerr first, but there might be a sparring match with the Golden State Warriors who hope to give Kerr the rose first. Luckily, Steve Kerr has super-human strength and owns the world’s first transporter that will zoom him from the east coast to the west coast in no time. He will be the first man on earth to coach two professional teams…at the same time.

Steve Kerr was deadly as an outside shooter in his golden years at the University of Arizona from 1983-1988, where he shot an astonishing 57.3 percent in 1988. He then went on the win five NBA championships, shooting 45.4 percent as a professional. Following a stellar college and professional career, he was without a doubt the greatest 6’3, 175 pound, blonde haired shooter of all-time. After his playing days were over, he went on to become a consultant for the Phoenix Suns and then a broadcast analyst for TNT.

The love fest that surrounds Steve Kerr is understandable. He is an absolute darling, and his lifetime head coaching record in the NBA is as impressive as Charles Barkley’s swan dive into a kiddy pool. How can anyone argue with an undefeated record? He is the only coach of all-time to never lose a basketball game as an NBA coach. His legendary 0-0 record makes him the most sought after coach, non-coach, amazing former Arizona Wildcat, Phoenix Sun, Cleveland Cavalier, Orlando Magician, Chicago Bull, San Antonio Spur, Portland Trailblazer, and again, a San Antonio Spur in the history of basketball. What is not to like about this man? If GMs are looking for a winning coach, well, Steve Kerr may not be their man. But if they are looking for someone who does not lose, or a coach who has never lost, then Steve Kerr is their man.

With so little of Steve Kerr’s magic to go around, it only makes sense that he not break anyone’s heart or hurt anyone’s feelings. He will accept that cherished rose from the New York Knicks, but they better be ready to share him because if they thought two was a crowd, they better get used to three being a crowd because they will have to share him with the Golden State Warriors. After all, he brings a lot more to the table than Knicks former coach Mike Woodson, or the downright pathetic Mark Jackson who did nothing more than lead his team to a 51-31 record in the extremely soft and untalented Western Conference and then lose to those no-good, boring, non-athletic Los Angeles Clippers in a seven game series.

Steve Kerr is here to save the day, and luckily, there is more than enough Kerr to go around. He will coach both teams at the same time and as sure as the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, and as sure as the great Titanic rose from the Pacific Ocean like a mighty Phoenix, the New York Knicks and the Golden State Warriors will see better days. This is history, and nobody can take this away—except maybe Steve Kerr.

Satire by Johnny Caito


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