The Death of Nicolas Cage (Satire)

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Nicolas Cage is still alive, but his career is most certainly dead. Following over a decade of films considered bad by critics, Cage has perished in a ball of Hollywood flame. From his recently unsuccessful romp into mixing Asian lore with Crusader legend in a film called Outcast, to the actor’s most recent film called Rage, Cage has perished from former Oscar glory into David Hasselhoff level infamy. It has been said by some that Cage “Sold his soul for money, though we wish he would buy it back.”

Unfortunately, with Rage, Cage seems to have taken on a role and plot already performed by Keneau Reeves in last year’s John Wick. A former criminal who gives up the life of crime to raise his daughter, Cage’s daughter in Rage luckily did not have to Face/Off against her own inner demons as the actor has been doing in the past.

His son, a rock star known more for his relation to the late actor and being charged with questionable crimes against humanity, has no comment. This is likely because the aging actor is dead to many people’s acting eyes, but still grows strong in members of his family and friends who still wish he had never “left Las Vegas”. Though this is an article meant to inspire the once great thespian, to some it may seem as though Cage’s career is dead this is the obituary.

Considering the past 20 years of fans asking him “WTF”, it seems like the actor is bound to pull in a good role soon. The actor who was so close to playing Superman that he had his own suit, has fallen from grace in many people’s eyes for a long time now. As with The Wicker Man, Cage has been involved in so many box-office failures that some critics have wondered how many bones the actor will now work for, literally.

There are those who still look back at Cage’s wide eyed glare and wonder when it will be properly portrayed again. The actor is currently filming along side the brilliant Joseph Gordon-Levitt in an Oliver Stone directed film about recent happenings regarding the infamous Edward Snowden. It seems hard to doubt that Stone will fail to revive the once great actor’s career. Few alive can forget his acting ability in Leaving Las Vegas, and many more wonder if it was an act at all. When an actor who drinks for two hours straight in a tourist town wins an Oscar, it is no wonder why Vin Diesel recently exclaimed “Furius Seven will win an Oscar!”

Long gone are the days when he could team up with John Travolta to make a decent film. The former Superman-possible has had such little success since his Academy acclaimed role that rumors have flown for years as to why he keeps taking such horrible parts in movies. Some say he has to fund his son’s band. Some rumors have the actor playing Tony Montana in the upcoming remake of Scarface, but only time will tell. Though Nicolas Cage’s career may have died, the actor still refuses to give up on his dream. The acting scene feels ripe for the return of a once great actor’s career, and now is the time to prove he still has what it takes to be in the business.

Satire by Benjamin Johnson


Viewing of over 20 Nicolas Cage films.



Photo by Sean MacEntee – flickr license

Photo by Doug Kline – flickr license