If there is one event on TV most Americans cannot wait to see it is the Super Bowl. People from all walks of life gather together, sometimes even throwing Super Bowl parties to view the two best teams in the NFL go head to head and play their hearts out to determine which team is better. When it comes to halftime shows, the Super Bowl usually has some of the most popular entertainers in the world to wow the crowd. However, for this next one, they may have just outdone themselves. Two former child stars that have blossomed into womanhood before our very eyes have agreed to put on as they call it “a show to end all shows.” Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes have agreed upon a contract stating that they will “perform and then battle to the death before the American public.”
This will be, in the truest sense, one of their swan songs in that someone will have to go. Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes once stole America’s hearts. Now they will be competing to make one of the other’s stop beating.
They both rose to fame doing kids’ shows, Miley Cyrus as the Disney darling, Hannah Montana where she brought you “the best of both worlds” and Amanda Bynes, as various characters performing skits on the Nickelodeon children’s television program, All That.
The once-in-a-lifetime spectacle will be interactive. It will begin with each celebrity choosing a performance before the main event with Miley Cyrus probably choosing a scantily-clad, rump-shaking number with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. It is rumored that Bynes, trying to distance and separate herself from the on-stage antics of Cyrus, will go with a more conservative approach. It has been said she may go with a Shakespearean sonnet. After each young woman tries her best to entertain viewers, those at home watching will be given a phone number to call and forced to make the hard decision of keying in MC for Miley Cyrus or AB for Amanda Bynes to let those in charge of counting the votes know which performer wowed them the most.
Then, whichever actress wins will be given first pick among weapons they can use on the other for the “main event.” The options will be: an ice pick, a blowtorch, a chainsaw, a mace, and a meat cleaver. The weapons were decided upon with no quick methods of demise in order to, according to producer, Jerry Bruckheimer, “To make it last a bit.” Executive producer and the man who pitched the idea to the actresses and those in charge of the Super Bowl halftime show, Mel Gibson, said the show would be “entertaining.” And when asked why he would prompt two famous, young women to try to kill each other for entertainment of the public, he said, “Well, I wanted to do it in The Passion, but you know, people might have gotten upset with me deviating away from Christ’s crucifixion.”
When asked why on earth she would agree to such a thing, Miley Cyrus stated that she wanted to get back at her Dad for tweeting, “You can tell the world you never was my girl.” on Twitter right after her MTV Video Music Award performance.
Amanda Bynes responded to our query as to why she is going along with it, saying, “Did you see how much attention Miley got after the VMAs? I’ve always wanted to work with her and I’ve always told myself, that if given the opportunity, I would leap at the chance to, even if it kills me.”
This cage match which may be remembered to be quintessentially jumping the shark, concerning attention-seeking acts of human depravity is set to air during the halftime show at the next Super Bowl.
Written by: Jon Webster