Those of us who secretly hate turkey would never want to admit it. We envision our mothers standing behind the steaming dishes as we load up our plates, and remember how we could not bear to tell them the truth: we really hate turkey. It’s hard to admit you don’t like turkey when the gangling birds have such a prized position in the country.
Since 1947, the National Turkey Federation has proudly given a live turkey and two dressed turkeys to the President. The President traditionally will not eat the live turkey. Instead he “pardons” it and gives it to a historical farm in Virginia, and it even hit the news this week that the two turkeys Obama pardoned last year, Gobbler and Cobbler, have died. Just before Thanksgiving next week, the president will be pardoning a National Thanksgiving Turkey and its partner that is coming from Minnesota. And if past records hold true, these turkeys will only have two years to live.
But turkey haters could care less about whether or not turkeys live or die, so let’s get on with the real point: turkey haters feature 5 hilarious talents in videos: singers, dancers, joyful weepers, vegans, and gobblers.
Adam Sandler is the leader of the “singer” talent of turkey haters, known for “The Thanksgiving Song,” referred to also as “Happy Thanksgiving.” Sandler, Ian Maxtone-Graham, and Robert Smigel wrote it. The first time the song was televised was Nov. 21, 1992 on the “Weekend Update” portion of the Season 18 episode of Saturday Night Live, which is shown below:
Will Anderson shows us the “dancer” talent of turkey haters as the producer of the video below. He animated turkeys and put them into music with Dubstep, a wildly popular genre of electronic dance music which originated in South London, England. The “Turkey Dubstep” entertains you here:
Out of the 5 hilarious talents of turkey haters, the “joyful weepers” feature the third one. They want to weep and laugh at the same time, and many parents can relate to this mother’s excitement who greets her U.S. Marine son, unannounced, at a church during a Thanksgiving dinner:
At a farm sanctuary about an hour outside of Los Angeles, the sanctuary owners and all their loyal followers have a fourth talent of turkey haters: vegan. Their annual celebration for turkeys draws 100s of volunteers. They serve the Turkeys a full Thanksgiving feast, and then they go eat their own meal, which is “entirely vegetarian.”
Lord Niles captured a man communicating with a mob of Turkeys, who performed the fifth “gobbler” talent of turkey haters. He has been called a “Turkey Whisperer” and whenever he gobbles, they gobble in return:
All our lives as Americans we have been told that on Thanksgiving, we should take at least one piece of white meat, and one of the dark, or both, and if we take the dark only, we’re politely reminded that it is not as good for us. We then ladle a generous scoop of gravy and surround it with choices of stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans, and the works.
It is estimated that forty-five million turkeys are eaten each Thanksgiving, and that means that leftover turkey will be served in sandwiches, stews, chili, soups, casseroles, and burgers.
Turkey haters, get ready to feature at least one of your 5 hilarious talents this Thanksgiving to bring cheer and humor around the tables.
By Danelle Cheney