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Dennis Rodman Has Us Covered

RodmanDennis Rodman has us covered, at least as far as North Korea is concerned, and he has returned to the hard-line dictatorship to celebrate Kim Jong Un’s birthday. Obviously previous concerns about their nuclear weapons program and the population’s mass starvation are nothing to worry about.  Clearly, the reports that the recent purge of Kim Jong’s uncle, Jang Song Thaek, his being fed to 120 starving dogs, alongside eight associates, should all now be dismissed. Actually the whole feeding to dogs story turns out to a be false, a satirist’s joke was reported in a less than reputable chinese tabloid, and things just got more wild from there. As it turns out Kim Jong only had his defence minister blown up by mortar rounds, machine-gunned an ex girlfriend and half her orchestra, and then did the same to his uncle. So it’s all good then, no dogs involved.

This is Rodman’s fourth visit to North Korea, and as he travelled he made a point of suggesting that the US citizen Kenneth Bae, was responsible for his own recent arrest and trial by the country. A trial that led to a fifteen year prison sentence for attempting to overthrow the North Korean government. This trial was questioned by US officials, as the precise details of the charges were not released, and the main evidence against him appears to have been a confession. The US officials were worried, but the rest of us can be confident in North Korea’s due process. We can be satisfied that Mr Bae was not handing out Christian literature, and was in fact part of a conspiracy to created anti-communist training camps in China.

Kenneth Bae is a tour operator of Korean decent, who was working in a special economic zone set up by North Korea and China. These zones allow North Korea to gain some much-needed foreign currency through the work of its people. Although this is officially encouraged by the state, on a number of occasions since 2009 it has been necessary for North Korea to arrest Americans who pose a threat to it. There’s been no cover for these guys from Mr Rodman. So far six Americans have been arrested, and all have been deported after their trials, or if found guilty, released when Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter turned up to mediate. Given the security guarantees provided to North Korea by their large northern neighbour, China, it is strange that the US should keep sending this random assortment of people to attack the regime, but this seems to be the case.

In fact the US government’s hostility towards North Korea was again shown when the State Department stated that “I’m not going to dignify that [Rodman’s] outburst with a response”. The U.S. Representative Eliot Engel, who is the leading Democrat on the House Foreign Affairs Committee, even referred to Rodman as a “fading celebrity”.

Rodman is just going to keep doing his thing, from visits to reality TV shows in the UK to his current international diplomatic work, he is finding a whole new set of skills developing now he has retired from professional basketball. He was quoted as saying “This is not about me. If I can open the door a little bit, just a little bit, [it’s good]. It’s all about the game. People love to do one thing – sports.” And this trip to Pyongyang to play basketball for Kin Jong’s birthday is all about that. Dennis Rodman has us covered.

Satire by Andrew Willig



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