Bitcoin to Replace U.S. Dollar Next Month


It has become official news that the popular digital currency, Bitcoin, is set to replace the U.S. dollar next month, starting on March first. The popular online crypto-currency has been such a gigantic success, despite setback such as a recently suffered mass DDoS attack that even President Obama has stated that “[It] is the only logical thing left to do.” In a recent address to the nation, the President elaborated on the decision, which was almost unanimously voted into federal law by congress.

“My fellow Americans, it is my pleasure to announce that Bitcoin will be replacing the U.S. dollar as our national currency starting March first, 2014. We had a good run, we really did; but it is time to face the facts. Bitcoin is clearly the currency of the future and as a nation that strives to innovate and stay one step ahead of the rest of the world, it is clear to the American government that replacing our long held currency with Bitcoin, is the only logical thing left to do.”

So many Americans from around the country have accepted the digital currency as a suitable replacement for the U.S. dollar next month that it is almost disconcerting. There have been countless citizens who have positively refuted other controversial issues such as gay marriage and gun controtl with so much conviction, it is almost as if they believe that allowing such things to happen would bring about the apocalypse. Of course, that is obvious nonsense as the apocalypse has been scheduled for September 23, 2053 by the National Apocalypse Association (NAA).

One Wall Street banker who prefers to remain unnamed and shall henceforth be referred to as “Wally”, has weighed in with his opinion on the matter.

“Personally, I think it is great that Bitcoin is replacing the U.S. dollar. I was getting tired of lugging wheelbarrows of cold, hard cash back from work every day and this way, I don’t have to worry about that anymore. Now, my back will hurt less and I can spend my free time counting my cash-flow on the computer screen, rather than out of a wheelbarrow!”

After giving his comment, Wally was unfortunately flogged to death by Occupy Wall Street protesters who still are not sure what they are protesting, but told the Guardian Liberty Voice that it beats getting a job.

Meanwhile, despite the widespread acceptance of Bitcoin replacing the U.S. dollar next month, there remain a handful of American citizens who are resistant to the change. Garage sale operators from around the country are positively fuming mad about the matter. “What am I supposed to do, wave a magic wand every time someone wants to buy a used book from me?” says Arthur Clark of Massachusetts. “The things cost 25 cents a piece. Suddenly I will not be able to accept quarters anymore because Obama said that they are no longer real money. This is ridiculous!”

U.S. citizens will have until the end of March to visit a local bank and exchange their hard-earned American money for Bitcoins once the replacement takes place next month. After March 31, American dollars will become completely void, worthless and unable to be exchanged any longer. Some have criticized the short timetable for making the exchange seem “unfair” but Obama says that it is the only way to go. “It is going to happen and there is no point dilly-dallying around about it. The longer this takes, the more openings we create for terrorists to interfere.” After the President’s statement, banks had lineups around the block.

Satire by Jonathan Holowka

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